May 5, 2020
WASHINGTON, DC--The Secretary of the Interior resigned following a catastrophic exhibition in which he burned an American flag to ashes.
The exhibition was designed to showcase fire-proof fabric manufactured by Dow Jong Industries. Several weeks ago, Dow Jong had received a contract to produce flags used by the federal government.
Observers assumed that the flags would be comprised of the fire-proof fabric that has earned the Chinese company billions in the international market. Laboratory tests show that the flag burned by the Secretary was 100% cotton.
In aftermath of the flag burning, a press release from Dow Jong said, “The use of our Fire-Fighter Fabric was not included in the contract…This is not our fault.” The contract specifies that flags made for the US government will be made of cotton, and the use of any other material will render the contract void.
Federal authorities are looking into the legal mishap.
In a signed statement, the former-Secretary lamented his decision to burn the American flag in front of a crowd of reporters. “My intention was to show the world of America’s ability to handle any situation…I am sorry, and regret any shame brought upon my family.”
Video of the flag burning incident is the most-viewed selection this week on YouTube.
The President held a press conference to declare that the flag contract will be cancelled, pending further negotiations.
“This just shows the dangers of outsourcing to a hostile power, and the harm it can do,” The President said. A week ago, he had been the biggest supporter of the contract.
The President declined to comment on a replacement for the departing Secretary. A White House employee who spoke under the condition of anonymity said that a front-runner for the position was the governor of California, Jessica Marie Alba.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2008
Chinese corporation receives no-bid contract to produce US flag
April 21, 2020
SHANGHAI, China--Dow Jong Industies has received a no-bid contract from the federal government to manufacture flags used at government facilities and events. The five-year contract will begin October 1.
Dow-Jong, a state-owned conglomerate located in Guangdong, China, is best known for producing action figures, kitchen knives, and fire-proof fabric.
The Secretary of the Interior praised the move, saying that it would save tax payers millions, and ease pressure from the $50 trillion debt. He promises to soon exhibit the resiliency of the new flags by exposing one to a flamethrower.
SHANGHAI, China--Dow Jong Industies has received a no-bid contract from the federal government to manufacture flags used at government facilities and events. The five-year contract will begin October 1.
Dow-Jong, a state-owned conglomerate located in Guangdong, China, is best known for producing action figures, kitchen knives, and fire-proof fabric.
The Secretary of the Interior praised the move, saying that it would save tax payers millions, and ease pressure from the $50 trillion debt. He promises to soon exhibit the resiliency of the new flags by exposing one to a flamethrower.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Skull invasion begins, New Yorkers remain in city
NEW YORK, NY--This morning, shape shifting aliens called skrulls attacked New York City, causing billions in property damage and untold loss of life. As of press time, little is known about the fate of the superheroes engaged in the battle in Midtown Manhattan.
Both Director of SHIELD, Anthony Stark, and his superhero team the Mighty Avengers also remain missing.
Reports indicate that the invasion proper began months ago with the replacement by skrulls of hundreds throughout planet earth, including 10 members of the city council, 3 out of the 5 borough presidents, and city comptroller Bill Thompson.
Yesterday, SHIELD agents revealed city comptroller Bill Thompson as a skrull shortly after witnesses video taped the imposter engaging in an anti-black tirade. The real Thompson is (was?) African-American.
Experts speculate that the replacements hid in plain sight to gather intelligence for the intergalactic Skrull Empire.
Hours after the beginning of the attack, Mayor Michael Bloomberg held an emergency press conference at the stairs of the Thurgood Marshall US Courthouse.
"Today has showcased the resiliency of the good people of New York," the mayor said. "Even in the midst of this ongoing tragedy, our population continues to stand over 8 million, tourists worldwide visit our glorious streets, and the economy continues to grow. People want to go to the Big Apple."
"Indeed, the demand for NYC housing has never been more competitive, with the rest of the nation burned by the bursting at the housing bubble," he added, before a laser beam melted him into a green stain.
"Everyone, follow me!" the real Michael Bloomberg said, carrying a smoking, high-tech rifle the size of a grown man. He was accompanied by the remaining members of the New York State Militia Forces. Bloomberg, the Militia, and volunteers will stage a counter invasion from an undisclosed location.
"They should all leave," Martin Martinez, the Chief Operating Officer of Damage Control, Inc., said.
Damage Control is the government sponsored enterprise that repairs property damage in the wake of acts of superpowered violence, and has repaired New York City property in the wake of dozens of attacks from mutant terrorists, alien species, a deposed Latvarian Prime Minister, the Incredible Hulk, extradimensional forces, demons, runaway science experiments, time bombs, and multiple occurances of the collapse of time and space. As of press time, researchers are still calculating how many times New York City has faced certain destruction.
Martinez expresses surprise that European tourists continue to take advantage of the weak US dollar, and spend their money in the Big Apple. He says he cannot understand why the city remains the tourist hotspot, why people continue to move into the city, and why the flight of the middle class is moving as slowly as it is.
"New York is not worth it," Martinez said. "Even before the Skrulls, they were walking into a deficit of several billions of dollars, overpopulation, a broken transporation system. You can rent a piece of crap hole in Queens for the same price you can rent a decent, two bedroom apartment in Florida."
"What kind of crazy #$&@ wants to stay in Manhattan?" Martinez said shortly before the phone lines died.
"I love this city," Lauren Rose, a Columbia University student and Lieutenant of the Counter Invasion, said. "Where else could you be walking down the street, cup of coffee in hand, and witness such cultural diversity? Such history? I mean, where else can you see a three hundred pound man with unbreakable skin punch an anthropomorphic baboon through a brick wall? No where!"
Both Director of SHIELD, Anthony Stark, and his superhero team the Mighty Avengers also remain missing.
Reports indicate that the invasion proper began months ago with the replacement by skrulls of hundreds throughout planet earth, including 10 members of the city council, 3 out of the 5 borough presidents, and city comptroller Bill Thompson.
Yesterday, SHIELD agents revealed city comptroller Bill Thompson as a skrull shortly after witnesses video taped the imposter engaging in an anti-black tirade. The real Thompson is (was?) African-American.
Experts speculate that the replacements hid in plain sight to gather intelligence for the intergalactic Skrull Empire.
Hours after the beginning of the attack, Mayor Michael Bloomberg held an emergency press conference at the stairs of the Thurgood Marshall US Courthouse.
"Today has showcased the resiliency of the good people of New York," the mayor said. "Even in the midst of this ongoing tragedy, our population continues to stand over 8 million, tourists worldwide visit our glorious streets, and the economy continues to grow. People want to go to the Big Apple."
"Indeed, the demand for NYC housing has never been more competitive, with the rest of the nation burned by the bursting at the housing bubble," he added, before a laser beam melted him into a green stain.
"Everyone, follow me!" the real Michael Bloomberg said, carrying a smoking, high-tech rifle the size of a grown man. He was accompanied by the remaining members of the New York State Militia Forces. Bloomberg, the Militia, and volunteers will stage a counter invasion from an undisclosed location.
"They should all leave," Martin Martinez, the Chief Operating Officer of Damage Control, Inc., said.
Damage Control is the government sponsored enterprise that repairs property damage in the wake of acts of superpowered violence, and has repaired New York City property in the wake of dozens of attacks from mutant terrorists, alien species, a deposed Latvarian Prime Minister, the Incredible Hulk, extradimensional forces, demons, runaway science experiments, time bombs, and multiple occurances of the collapse of time and space. As of press time, researchers are still calculating how many times New York City has faced certain destruction.
Martinez expresses surprise that European tourists continue to take advantage of the weak US dollar, and spend their money in the Big Apple. He says he cannot understand why the city remains the tourist hotspot, why people continue to move into the city, and why the flight of the middle class is moving as slowly as it is.
"New York is not worth it," Martinez said. "Even before the Skrulls, they were walking into a deficit of several billions of dollars, overpopulation, a broken transporation system. You can rent a piece of crap hole in Queens for the same price you can rent a decent, two bedroom apartment in Florida."
"What kind of crazy #$&@ wants to stay in Manhattan?" Martinez said shortly before the phone lines died.
"I love this city," Lauren Rose, a Columbia University student and Lieutenant of the Counter Invasion, said. "Where else could you be walking down the street, cup of coffee in hand, and witness such cultural diversity? Such history? I mean, where else can you see a three hundred pound man with unbreakable skin punch an anthropomorphic baboon through a brick wall? No where!"
Monday, July 14, 2008
Bush Auctions Louisiana
WASHINGTON--Congress has passed a joint resolution that allows President Bush to auction the state of Louisiana. Proceeds will be used to reduce the federal government's $9.5 trillion debt.
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal criticized the sale in a radio interview. "#$%@ Bush!" he said.
"Bidding will begin at $1 million," Bush said during the White House Rose Garden signing ceremony. The number symbolizes the original price of the so-called Louisiana Purchase, encompassing 15 current states.
Then-president Thomas Jefferson brought the land from Napoleon Bonaparte in 1803. Critics had disparged the move as an excessive use of executive power.
Bush called the auction a return to small government principles, and a sign of bipartisan cooperation on Capitol Hill. He hopes that the proceeds will signal to the rest of the world that the United States is committed to positive international relations.
He outlined his contingency plan to move current residents of Louisiana to neighboring states, in the event that the highest bidder enforces strict regulations on "aliens-to-be." Refugees would relocate to FEMA trailers.
Experts predict that follow-up auctions will occur, featuring such states as Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Mississippi. Bush dismissed speculation.
"As of this moment in time, considering this unpresidented act, and the benefit this will have on families, we cannot say that we will not not rule out
another sale, depending on the result," he said. "You get me? We will definitely not not consider another auction. And that's the truth."
Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain praised the move, saying that the most pressing issue in America today is the economy.
He said that the residents of Louisiana could soon witness a transformation similar to the economic renassiance in Dubai, a popular vacation spot for millionaires, and location of a number of high-priced man-made islands. Much of Lousiana experienced extensive property damage in the 2005 hurricane season, and many remain homeless.
Sen. Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, also supported the auction. At a rally in Hanover, New Hampshire, Obama mused that auction proceeds could be used to support failing corporations. "What happened to Bear Stearns is unacceptable. We need to save our multibillion dollar corporations," he said.
Obama stopped mid-speech, and looked at his hands for several moments. "What have I become?" the Illinois senator said.
The audience roared its approval. Even men bared their breasts.
Representatives from the United Arab Emirates, France, China, Mexico, Iraq, and 20 other nations plan to attend the auction, to be held August 1st, at the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans.
***
But, seriously, the debt is really #$%@!
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal criticized the sale in a radio interview. "#$%@ Bush!" he said.
"Bidding will begin at $1 million," Bush said during the White House Rose Garden signing ceremony. The number symbolizes the original price of the so-called Louisiana Purchase, encompassing 15 current states.
Then-president Thomas Jefferson brought the land from Napoleon Bonaparte in 1803. Critics had disparged the move as an excessive use of executive power.
Bush called the auction a return to small government principles, and a sign of bipartisan cooperation on Capitol Hill. He hopes that the proceeds will signal to the rest of the world that the United States is committed to positive international relations.
He outlined his contingency plan to move current residents of Louisiana to neighboring states, in the event that the highest bidder enforces strict regulations on "aliens-to-be." Refugees would relocate to FEMA trailers.
Experts predict that follow-up auctions will occur, featuring such states as Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Mississippi. Bush dismissed speculation.
"As of this moment in time, considering this unpresidented act, and the benefit this will have on families, we cannot say that we will not not rule out
another sale, depending on the result," he said. "You get me? We will definitely not not consider another auction. And that's the truth."
Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain praised the move, saying that the most pressing issue in America today is the economy.
He said that the residents of Louisiana could soon witness a transformation similar to the economic renassiance in Dubai, a popular vacation spot for millionaires, and location of a number of high-priced man-made islands. Much of Lousiana experienced extensive property damage in the 2005 hurricane season, and many remain homeless.
Sen. Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, also supported the auction. At a rally in Hanover, New Hampshire, Obama mused that auction proceeds could be used to support failing corporations. "What happened to Bear Stearns is unacceptable. We need to save our multibillion dollar corporations," he said.
Obama stopped mid-speech, and looked at his hands for several moments. "What have I become?" the Illinois senator said.
The audience roared its approval. Even men bared their breasts.
Representatives from the United Arab Emirates, France, China, Mexico, Iraq, and 20 other nations plan to attend the auction, to be held August 1st, at the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans.
***
But, seriously, the debt is really #$%@!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Angelina Jolie gives birth to twins, paparazzo
By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer
NICE, France (DP) -- Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins and a photogapher who snuck into her womb 6 months ago. The Paparazzo is Ronald Johansen, who is 2 feet, 6 inches tall, and suffers from primoridial dwarfism. He is best known for snapping photos of Russel Crowe strangling a hot dog vendor with the strap of a bookbag.
Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was reported to be outraged in response to the discovery of Johannsen. Security apprehended Johansen, and confiscated his camera, which he had taken into the womb. Observers expect the camera to contain photos of the twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.
Johansen posted bail, but has yet to receive his camera.
"This is a travesty," the Swedish national said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "I put in months of hard work in order to take those pictures. What is the world coming to?"
He declined to answer questions about the contents of the camera, how he snuck into Angelina Jolie, and how he avoided detection on ultrasound tests. "The world will soon discover what the pictures show," he said. "It is my best work, and I plan to follow up with memoirs detailing the challenges I had to overcome."
Johansen maintains that his rights as a member of the press were violated once Pitt reached into the caesarean section and tore him into the womb. He sustained several bruises, and plans to sue Pitt for the assault and the Nice Police Department for failing to return his camera.
"I have never felt more discriminated against in my life."
Neither Pitt nor Jolie could be reached for comment.
NICE, France (DP) -- Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins and a photogapher who snuck into her womb 6 months ago. The Paparazzo is Ronald Johansen, who is 2 feet, 6 inches tall, and suffers from primoridial dwarfism. He is best known for snapping photos of Russel Crowe strangling a hot dog vendor with the strap of a bookbag.
Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was reported to be outraged in response to the discovery of Johannsen. Security apprehended Johansen, and confiscated his camera, which he had taken into the womb. Observers expect the camera to contain photos of the twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.
Johansen posted bail, but has yet to receive his camera.
"This is a travesty," the Swedish national said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "I put in months of hard work in order to take those pictures. What is the world coming to?"
He declined to answer questions about the contents of the camera, how he snuck into Angelina Jolie, and how he avoided detection on ultrasound tests. "The world will soon discover what the pictures show," he said. "It is my best work, and I plan to follow up with memoirs detailing the challenges I had to overcome."
Johansen maintains that his rights as a member of the press were violated once Pitt reached into the caesarean section and tore him into the womb. He sustained several bruises, and plans to sue Pitt for the assault and the Nice Police Department for failing to return his camera.
"I have never felt more discriminated against in my life."
Neither Pitt nor Jolie could be reached for comment.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Bill Regulates Rape Accusations
By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer
July 12, 2008--Weeks ago, New York Assemblyman Mark Catheter of New York introduced a bill that would regulate rape accusations. Now, he is receiving the backing of a not-for-profit organization, FRAT (the Federation of Rangers Against Tattletaling).
"Rape will still be a crime," the Assemblyman says about his new bill. "We just want to cut down on false accusations. Only a real victim would go to jail to catch the badguys. I mean, after an experience like rape, a night in jail will be no problem."
FRAT is an organization which, since 1901, has lobbied state legislatures and congress for laws that eliminate accusations. Members are called "Rangers," and Assemblyman Catheter has been a ranger since 1982, after he was sued for peeing on a neighbor's porch.
"I don't remember the urinating, per se, but then here I am stumbling down the driveway, getting called a drunk and a bum by Mrs. Finster."
Yesterday, FRAT protesters stormed the steps of the New York Legislature in Albany, New York, calling for whores to shut their mouths. Catheter expressed pride that FRAT was using its first amendment rights.
Anti-accusation proposals date back to 1796, when then-state senator Rufus Burr sponsored a bill that would eliminate insults any and all communication in New York. If the bill had been passed, then a violator would be forced to walk public with the word, "Basterd" tattooed on his forehead.
Catheter believes that by pushing for the passage of the "QYET BILL," he and the other Rangers are protecting the accused from accusations, and upholding the legal tradition that the accused are innocent until proven guilty.
He says, in addition: "It's the constitutional right for citizens to do with their bodies as they please."
July 12, 2008--Weeks ago, New York Assemblyman Mark Catheter of New York introduced a bill that would regulate rape accusations. Now, he is receiving the backing of a not-for-profit organization, FRAT (the Federation of Rangers Against Tattletaling).
"Rape will still be a crime," the Assemblyman says about his new bill. "We just want to cut down on false accusations. Only a real victim would go to jail to catch the badguys. I mean, after an experience like rape, a night in jail will be no problem."
FRAT is an organization which, since 1901, has lobbied state legislatures and congress for laws that eliminate accusations. Members are called "Rangers," and Assemblyman Catheter has been a ranger since 1982, after he was sued for peeing on a neighbor's porch.
"I don't remember the urinating, per se, but then here I am stumbling down the driveway, getting called a drunk and a bum by Mrs. Finster."
Yesterday, FRAT protesters stormed the steps of the New York Legislature in Albany, New York, calling for whores to shut their mouths. Catheter expressed pride that FRAT was using its first amendment rights.
Anti-accusation proposals date back to 1796, when then-state senator Rufus Burr sponsored a bill that would eliminate insults any and all communication in New York. If the bill had been passed, then a violator would be forced to walk public with the word, "Basterd" tattooed on his forehead.
Catheter believes that by pushing for the passage of the "QYET BILL," he and the other Rangers are protecting the accused from accusations, and upholding the legal tradition that the accused are innocent until proven guilty.
He says, in addition: "It's the constitutional right for citizens to do with their bodies as they please."
Monday, March 10, 2008
An obsequious address
Written September 2007
Moderator! What is up!
Did you all watch the news yesterday? Listen—this guy beat up a gorilla at the Bronx Zoo.
See, these little kids fell into a gorilla pit, and the gorilla ran at them because they invaded his space. He bared his fangs, and beat his chest. About to smear those little kids.
And then the moderator dove in, and stood between the children, and the gorilla’s punches. The gorilla punched the moderator in the jaw, the shoulder, the gut, and the ribs. Of course, the punches didn’t affect the moderator, except for the punch to the gut, which tickled him.
The moderator carried the children out of the pit. They ran to their mother, and started crying tears of joy, and said, "the moderator saved us, mommy."
Everyone thought the incident had finished, except for the gorilla. He climbed out the pit, and grabbed the moderator’s shoulder, and spoke. The gorilla spoke. He said, "I’m not finished with you."
Then the moderator punched the gorilla in the mouth, and back into the pit. He clobbered that gorilla a thousand times over until the gorilla fell back onto a boulder.
Then the moderator took a banana, unpeeled it, and began to eat it. He waved it in front of the gorilla. He said, "I bet you want to eat this, huh, you stupid monkey. C’mon, you stupid monkey, grab the banana." And the gorilla tried to grab the banana, but the moderator pulled the banana away.
After finishing the banana, the moderator threw the banana peel on the ground. And then gorilla gathered enough strength to stand and run at the moderator once more, but he slipped on the banana peel.
Thank you, moderator. Thank you for showing monkeys everywhere they are inferior to humans.
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Moderator! What is up!
Did you all watch the news yesterday? Listen—this guy beat up a gorilla at the Bronx Zoo.
See, these little kids fell into a gorilla pit, and the gorilla ran at them because they invaded his space. He bared his fangs, and beat his chest. About to smear those little kids.
And then the moderator dove in, and stood between the children, and the gorilla’s punches. The gorilla punched the moderator in the jaw, the shoulder, the gut, and the ribs. Of course, the punches didn’t affect the moderator, except for the punch to the gut, which tickled him.
The moderator carried the children out of the pit. They ran to their mother, and started crying tears of joy, and said, "the moderator saved us, mommy."
Everyone thought the incident had finished, except for the gorilla. He climbed out the pit, and grabbed the moderator’s shoulder, and spoke. The gorilla spoke. He said, "I’m not finished with you."
Then the moderator punched the gorilla in the mouth, and back into the pit. He clobbered that gorilla a thousand times over until the gorilla fell back onto a boulder.
Then the moderator took a banana, unpeeled it, and began to eat it. He waved it in front of the gorilla. He said, "I bet you want to eat this, huh, you stupid monkey. C’mon, you stupid monkey, grab the banana." And the gorilla tried to grab the banana, but the moderator pulled the banana away.
After finishing the banana, the moderator threw the banana peel on the ground. And then gorilla gathered enough strength to stand and run at the moderator once more, but he slipped on the banana peel.
Thank you, moderator. Thank you for showing monkeys everywhere they are inferior to humans.
May I approach yon podilecturn?
An obsequious address, for the Moderator of the Philolexian Society
Oh, Moderator,
Oh, breaker of horses and small children
Oh, Master of the 37th chamber of shaolin kung fu,
Oh, Semitic saint,
Oh, man who makes me go "OH!"
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Oh, breaker of horses and small children
Oh, Master of the 37th chamber of shaolin kung fu,
Oh, Semitic saint,
Oh, man who makes me go "OH!"
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Resolved: Hentai is sad
Written October 2007
If we wanted other people only for sex, we’d all just masturbate. Forget the effort of meeting people at nightclubs, forget spending evenings out, forget snuggling with them, or getting hung up on them. We’d all just masturbate, because interaction with human beings carries greater emotional and physical risk than masturbation does.
But, obviously, people get into friendships with each other. They pay to have sex with one another. And so forth. There must be another reason why people interact with one another, despite the risks. This reason must be inherent in human interaction.
I mention this because in the case of hentai, the masturbator is utterly removed from people.
There’s no such thing as human interaction, so obviously, this person is missing something other people get.
So, we must ask: what does human interaction get us?
I will begin to answer that question by saying that when I hang out with people I like, I feel a nice little glow. We see a movie, we get some coffee, we sit on Low steps to chat. I enjoy hanging out with them for the sake of hanging out with them. And when we leave each other, I feel that hanging out was good use of my time.
Sex, Adam Sandler once implied, lasts around 8 minutes. Friendships and other relationships last a little longer that. They are more substantial than that. But sex, at least, involves human interaction. If you have sex with someone you like, you’re bound to enjoy yourself as much as you can. The type of lover doesn’t matter--it doesn’t matter if the person is a fuck buddy, or an exclusive lover. What matters is that you’re comfortable with this person—if you’re comfortable.
Therefore, emotional interaction outweighs sexual feeling, even though sexual feeling is pret-ty fucking awesome.
Therefore, hentai is sad because people who love hentai miss out on the warmth of human interaction.
If we wanted other people only for sex, we’d all just masturbate. Forget the effort of meeting people at nightclubs, forget spending evenings out, forget snuggling with them, or getting hung up on them. We’d all just masturbate, because interaction with human beings carries greater emotional and physical risk than masturbation does.
But, obviously, people get into friendships with each other. They pay to have sex with one another. And so forth. There must be another reason why people interact with one another, despite the risks. This reason must be inherent in human interaction.
I mention this because in the case of hentai, the masturbator is utterly removed from people.
There’s no such thing as human interaction, so obviously, this person is missing something other people get.
So, we must ask: what does human interaction get us?
I will begin to answer that question by saying that when I hang out with people I like, I feel a nice little glow. We see a movie, we get some coffee, we sit on Low steps to chat. I enjoy hanging out with them for the sake of hanging out with them. And when we leave each other, I feel that hanging out was good use of my time.
Sex, Adam Sandler once implied, lasts around 8 minutes. Friendships and other relationships last a little longer that. They are more substantial than that. But sex, at least, involves human interaction. If you have sex with someone you like, you’re bound to enjoy yourself as much as you can. The type of lover doesn’t matter--it doesn’t matter if the person is a fuck buddy, or an exclusive lover. What matters is that you’re comfortable with this person—if you’re comfortable.
Therefore, emotional interaction outweighs sexual feeling, even though sexual feeling is pret-ty fucking awesome.
Therefore, hentai is sad because people who love hentai miss out on the warmth of human interaction.
Resolved: Dr. Seuss captures the human condition better than Charles Schulz
Written May 2007
Notes to self italicized and parenthenses.
Indeed, Dr. Seuss handles themes relevant to any society or time. He handles the concepts of love and forgiveness with "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", he handles individuality in corrupt societies with "Horton Hatches the Egg", and he handles discrimination with "The Sneetches."
So, yes, he does cover some ground, quite a few aspects of human nature. But he's too political, too symbolic, too general. His stories are more about the issues, not the characters. If you want to observe the human condition at its core, then get specific, and delve into the psychology of a character. Look at Charles Schulz’s most noteworthy creation, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown is the quintessential human being in that he embodies all of humanity’s limitations. Only so many people become popular, or successful. Yet even those people have fears, hang ups, regrets. Even they have faced tremendous self-doubt at least once in their lives; Abraham Lincoln, Buzz Aldrin, Ernest Hemingway. Indeed, many people have confronted the feeling of mediocrity. Even you.
It feels like nothing works out for you. There are so many small failures on your part. So many times when you could've done a little better, and if you'd done a little better, your life would be much happier.
(note to self: transition, emphasize his name)
Charlie Brown is the same.
He doesn't have anything special going on.
He just exists.
And there are these moments when you're by yourself, in a Charlie Brown moment, and you wonder, "Why am I here? What makes me special?" And you can't find that reason, so you don't know why you're…alive.
But you try to find that reason for living.
You think, "One of these days I'm going to be somebody."
You go to school, you join clubs, try to make friends, try to be special.
And you keep trying and trying but nothing happens.
(transition)
It's all the same old thing,
you're always in that state mediocrity, of merely existing.
You've never followed up on your fantasies of success.
You've gone this long without being special, so why should things change now?
(start to choke, as if on your way to crying)
Yeah, you always choke at the worst moment. During the Lit Hum exam, during…this speech… and right when you have the chance to talk to that girl.
(act like the girl popped into your head, ‘but of course she would’) Yeah, that girl who makes your stomach feel butterflies when she walks by. You dream, and wonder, "I'll talk to her one of these days, and then maybe we'll go on a date, and maybe she'll be my girlfriend. Yeah, you keep thinking, because you'll never talk to her, you'll never find the guts. .
(more energy, start with the final push)
She'll be standing right next to you in the elevator, and you'll stay quiet the whole time because you know you'd fail if you tried. You're a loser, you're no good, so why should she love you?
(now, belt it out)
She'd never love you because you're a nobody and you'll always be a nobody.
AAAAAUUUUUGH!!!
(run screaming out of the room; body lang is important)
- Alberto Luperon
Notes to self italicized and parenthenses.
Indeed, Dr. Seuss handles themes relevant to any society or time. He handles the concepts of love and forgiveness with "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", he handles individuality in corrupt societies with "Horton Hatches the Egg", and he handles discrimination with "The Sneetches."
So, yes, he does cover some ground, quite a few aspects of human nature. But he's too political, too symbolic, too general. His stories are more about the issues, not the characters. If you want to observe the human condition at its core, then get specific, and delve into the psychology of a character. Look at Charles Schulz’s most noteworthy creation, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown is the quintessential human being in that he embodies all of humanity’s limitations. Only so many people become popular, or successful. Yet even those people have fears, hang ups, regrets. Even they have faced tremendous self-doubt at least once in their lives; Abraham Lincoln, Buzz Aldrin, Ernest Hemingway. Indeed, many people have confronted the feeling of mediocrity. Even you.
It feels like nothing works out for you. There are so many small failures on your part. So many times when you could've done a little better, and if you'd done a little better, your life would be much happier.
(note to self: transition, emphasize his name)
Charlie Brown is the same.
He doesn't have anything special going on.
He just exists.
And there are these moments when you're by yourself, in a Charlie Brown moment, and you wonder, "Why am I here? What makes me special?" And you can't find that reason, so you don't know why you're…alive.
But you try to find that reason for living.
You think, "One of these days I'm going to be somebody."
You go to school, you join clubs, try to make friends, try to be special.
And you keep trying and trying but nothing happens.
(transition)
It's all the same old thing,
you're always in that state mediocrity, of merely existing.
You've never followed up on your fantasies of success.
You've gone this long without being special, so why should things change now?
(start to choke, as if on your way to crying)
Yeah, you always choke at the worst moment. During the Lit Hum exam, during…this speech… and right when you have the chance to talk to that girl.
(act like the girl popped into your head, ‘but of course she would’) Yeah, that girl who makes your stomach feel butterflies when she walks by. You dream, and wonder, "I'll talk to her one of these days, and then maybe we'll go on a date, and maybe she'll be my girlfriend. Yeah, you keep thinking, because you'll never talk to her, you'll never find the guts. .
(more energy, start with the final push)
She'll be standing right next to you in the elevator, and you'll stay quiet the whole time because you know you'd fail if you tried. You're a loser, you're no good, so why should she love you?
(now, belt it out)
She'd never love you because you're a nobody and you'll always be a nobody.
AAAAAUUUUUGH!!!
(run screaming out of the room; body lang is important)
- Alberto Luperon
Resolved: The 21st Century Will Be Characterized by Unendurable Boredom
Written September 2007
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
Imagine that Santa Claus has crash-landed in the middle of Morningside Park. Blixem cracked two ribs, Rudolph’s broken his nose, Donner’s dead, and Prancer has forever lost the use of his rear legs. Santa’s in trouble, and he needs your help to save Christmas.
Faced with this scenario, you should do one of two things—either help them, or steal Santa’s bag of presents. The latter action should teach him about landing in Morningside Park.
In either case, congratulate yourself—you have fought against boredom. To fight boredom, you must adhere to the spirit of adventure, and the spirit of adventure calls on you to act. It calls on you to stand up, and do whatever it is you prefer to do with your life.
Those in favor of tonight’s resolution may think that past centuries were better than this one. You know, all the major discoveries have been made, and the major challenges have already been completed. The New World, penicillin, Civil Liberties; we landed on the moon. After all this being done, it seems that there is nothing else to discover, no more adventures to be had. It may seem to some that in order to function in any state near contentment, they have got to spend copious amounts of time doing drugs, drinking alcohol, watching TV. Copious, absurd amounts of time spent on distracting on them from their boring lives.
But you know why theirs live are boring? Because they’re not doing anything fun. Because they’ve not having adventures. Therefore, Tonight, I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to having adventures.
The 21st century will be characterized by a surplus of awesome because I live in it.
And you know what?—I have no idea what I’ll be doing after Philo, or tomorrow morning, for that matter. I may just sit in a chair, and read, but I will still emanate fun like an atomic bomb emanates radiation. Millions will die from exposure.
So, if you ever see me holding a big, red, magic bag, and passing out presents to people, you will know what this century has been all about.
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
Imagine that Santa Claus has crash-landed in the middle of Morningside Park. Blixem cracked two ribs, Rudolph’s broken his nose, Donner’s dead, and Prancer has forever lost the use of his rear legs. Santa’s in trouble, and he needs your help to save Christmas.
Faced with this scenario, you should do one of two things—either help them, or steal Santa’s bag of presents. The latter action should teach him about landing in Morningside Park.
In either case, congratulate yourself—you have fought against boredom. To fight boredom, you must adhere to the spirit of adventure, and the spirit of adventure calls on you to act. It calls on you to stand up, and do whatever it is you prefer to do with your life.
Those in favor of tonight’s resolution may think that past centuries were better than this one. You know, all the major discoveries have been made, and the major challenges have already been completed. The New World, penicillin, Civil Liberties; we landed on the moon. After all this being done, it seems that there is nothing else to discover, no more adventures to be had. It may seem to some that in order to function in any state near contentment, they have got to spend copious amounts of time doing drugs, drinking alcohol, watching TV. Copious, absurd amounts of time spent on distracting on them from their boring lives.
But you know why theirs live are boring? Because they’re not doing anything fun. Because they’ve not having adventures. Therefore, Tonight, I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to having adventures.
The 21st century will be characterized by a surplus of awesome because I live in it.
And you know what?—I have no idea what I’ll be doing after Philo, or tomorrow morning, for that matter. I may just sit in a chair, and read, but I will still emanate fun like an atomic bomb emanates radiation. Millions will die from exposure.
So, if you ever see me holding a big, red, magic bag, and passing out presents to people, you will know what this century has been all about.
Thank you.
Resolved: Saying something loud makes it true
Written April 2007
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
When I was eight, I had a fever, and when I had this fever I dreamed that a large concrete block landed on my face. Believing this dream to be real, I woke up, and ran screaming throughout the house, yelling at everyone, "I’m dead, I’m dead."
So, if it is true that saying something loud makes it true, then I am the sexiest corpse you have ever seen.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
When I was eight, I had a fever, and when I had this fever I dreamed that a large concrete block landed on my face. Believing this dream to be real, I woke up, and ran screaming throughout the house, yelling at everyone, "I’m dead, I’m dead."
So, if it is true that saying something loud makes it true, then I am the sexiest corpse you have ever seen.
Resolved: Organized Sports are More Dangerous Than Organized Religion
Written December 2006
Is there really any need for comparison? Really? Isn’t the main point we must consider is that people are crazy?
On the part of religion you’ve got
people blowing themselves up,
killing pretty much every person in Jerusalem during the crusades,
murdering no less 6 million in Europe,
and much death.
On the part of religion, you’ve got Fred Phelps and his congregation protesting the funerals of soldiers because the United States government doesn’t take a tougher stance on homosexuality.
Yes, yes, religion is more dangerous than sports on a sociological standpoint because God has been used for justification of mass slaughter. Not so with sports--at least not so often.
But look at organized sports. I once met a guy who played for the NFL who said that basically everybody there was a rapist.
You’ve got Mike Tyson—I don’t know if all the stories are true, but you’ve guy a million peoples saying that punches old women in the mouth, has bipolar disorder, threatened to murder his first wife.
And he’s a convicted rapist.
You’ve got Don King, who still, in the most sympathetic portrayal of him, comes off as really shady.
You’ve soccer riots, drunken fights. During the 1960s, in a boxing match, Bernardo Paret got tangled in the ropes, and his opponent, during the next 3 to 4 seconds, hit him 18 times before the referee pull him off. Paret died before he hit the canvas.
Beer, beer, beer, beer,
And traffic jams after a game, people just take your fucking time, if you take your time, then no one is going to crach, why don’t you understand that trying to squeeze through a small opening with cause problems
The only good thing that sports has done for us is that during a tampa bay buccaneers home game, two men got into a fight, and the security arrived, pulled out a tazer, and everyone in the surrounding seats crying
"TAZER"
"TAZER""TAZER"
Look, everyone, before you say sports are the downfall of civilization,
or religion is the cause of all of societies problems, just consider humanity by itself. People will kill you just to watch the blood pour out.
People rob from each other. They are untrustworthy, fake, selfish, domineering, abusive. If you give them the chance, they will rob you. If you give them the chance, and it serves their interests, they will do whatever they want to you. Even if it’s just for fun.
So let me review.
You’ve got Neo-Nazis in Europe hanging out at soccer matches and maliciously booing the non-white players.
You’ve got Ultraconversative Jews getting into fights with the participants in a gay-pride parade.
You’ve got The Tampa Bay Devils Rays, and they haven’t had a winning season in history.
And you’ve priests, from the Roman Catholic Church, my church, diddling little boys.
Obviously when they were weighing eternal damnation with their immediate urges, they decided "To Hell with Jesus."
Is there really any need for comparison? Really? Isn’t the main point we must consider is that people are crazy?
On the part of religion you’ve got
people blowing themselves up,
killing pretty much every person in Jerusalem during the crusades,
murdering no less 6 million in Europe,
and much death.
On the part of religion, you’ve got Fred Phelps and his congregation protesting the funerals of soldiers because the United States government doesn’t take a tougher stance on homosexuality.
Yes, yes, religion is more dangerous than sports on a sociological standpoint because God has been used for justification of mass slaughter. Not so with sports--at least not so often.
But look at organized sports. I once met a guy who played for the NFL who said that basically everybody there was a rapist.
You’ve got Mike Tyson—I don’t know if all the stories are true, but you’ve guy a million peoples saying that punches old women in the mouth, has bipolar disorder, threatened to murder his first wife.
And he’s a convicted rapist.
You’ve got Don King, who still, in the most sympathetic portrayal of him, comes off as really shady.
You’ve soccer riots, drunken fights. During the 1960s, in a boxing match, Bernardo Paret got tangled in the ropes, and his opponent, during the next 3 to 4 seconds, hit him 18 times before the referee pull him off. Paret died before he hit the canvas.
Beer, beer, beer, beer,
And traffic jams after a game, people just take your fucking time, if you take your time, then no one is going to crach, why don’t you understand that trying to squeeze through a small opening with cause problems
The only good thing that sports has done for us is that during a tampa bay buccaneers home game, two men got into a fight, and the security arrived, pulled out a tazer, and everyone in the surrounding seats crying
"TAZER"
"TAZER""TAZER"
Look, everyone, before you say sports are the downfall of civilization,
or religion is the cause of all of societies problems, just consider humanity by itself. People will kill you just to watch the blood pour out.
People rob from each other. They are untrustworthy, fake, selfish, domineering, abusive. If you give them the chance, they will rob you. If you give them the chance, and it serves their interests, they will do whatever they want to you. Even if it’s just for fun.
So let me review.
You’ve got Neo-Nazis in Europe hanging out at soccer matches and maliciously booing the non-white players.
You’ve got Ultraconversative Jews getting into fights with the participants in a gay-pride parade.
You’ve got The Tampa Bay Devils Rays, and they haven’t had a winning season in history.
And you’ve priests, from the Roman Catholic Church, my church, diddling little boys.
Obviously when they were weighing eternal damnation with their immediate urges, they decided "To Hell with Jesus."
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Dear 20th century fox
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809921354/video/5554289/;_ylt=AlrpQPyXiE6hyXAtsvwzjXNfVXcA
Dear 20th Century Fox,
I just viewed the trailer for the upcoming film, Nim's Island. I plan on viewing this film, probably not in the theatres, but as a DVD, or on TV. I plan on viewing this film because it features Jodie Foster (Inside Man), Gerard Bulter (300), and Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine).
I plan to one day view this film because the trailer didn't cause space and time to implode inside of my chest. However, that is only because of the presence of Ms. Foster, Mr. Butler, and Ms. Breslin--three actors who I have much respect for. Other elements of the trailer, however, such as the crappy music and goofy sound effects, tore at my chest, so that the very fabric of reality located there almost ripped apart, creating a black hole that would suck in the entire universe. Thankfully, Ms. Foster, Mr. Butler, and Ms. Breslin saved all of creation.
Unfortunately, if I ever see a similar trailer with crappy actors, our lives may once again be put in danger. I write this letter to tell you to cease using, in your trailers, annoying music aimed at children. Every time you release a children's movie and trailer that includes this kind of music, you endanger us all.
However, I fear that you will refuse to heed my warning because the music included in these trailers are so crappy that the royalties are cheap, and because the royalties are so cheap, you use the music for years. Some of these songs were okay on the first hearing, but having heard them in various trailers since no later than 1995, they, too, threaten to create a black hole in my chest. Therefore, I believe that, within the decade, all matter will meet itself in an impossibly small point in space that my heart had been occupying. Please prove me wrong. You bastards.
Sincerely,
Alberto Luperon
Dear 20th Century Fox,
I just viewed the trailer for the upcoming film, Nim's Island. I plan on viewing this film, probably not in the theatres, but as a DVD, or on TV. I plan on viewing this film because it features Jodie Foster (Inside Man), Gerard Bulter (300), and Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine).
I plan to one day view this film because the trailer didn't cause space and time to implode inside of my chest. However, that is only because of the presence of Ms. Foster, Mr. Butler, and Ms. Breslin--three actors who I have much respect for. Other elements of the trailer, however, such as the crappy music and goofy sound effects, tore at my chest, so that the very fabric of reality located there almost ripped apart, creating a black hole that would suck in the entire universe. Thankfully, Ms. Foster, Mr. Butler, and Ms. Breslin saved all of creation.
Unfortunately, if I ever see a similar trailer with crappy actors, our lives may once again be put in danger. I write this letter to tell you to cease using, in your trailers, annoying music aimed at children. Every time you release a children's movie and trailer that includes this kind of music, you endanger us all.
However, I fear that you will refuse to heed my warning because the music included in these trailers are so crappy that the royalties are cheap, and because the royalties are so cheap, you use the music for years. Some of these songs were okay on the first hearing, but having heard them in various trailers since no later than 1995, they, too, threaten to create a black hole in my chest. Therefore, I believe that, within the decade, all matter will meet itself in an impossibly small point in space that my heart had been occupying. Please prove me wrong. You bastards.
Sincerely,
Alberto Luperon
A speech, 1st draft, written by a drunk man
Dear Leroy and Mei,
Our society places a high standard on looks and money in relationships. Yet, even the most attractive and richest people have trouble keeping married. Many marriages end in divorce.
That is it’s so nice that you too are getting married. I am not saying you two are ugly. Our friends will agree when I state that you are among the most attractive people around. For example, like Kobe Bryant and Lucy Liu. I mean to say that it is nice that this is an interracial marriage, and most marriages are between people of the same race. This highlights the fact that you two really love each other, which you still would if you were of other kinds of races, as long as you had the same personalities.
I hope the sex is good. They say black men have the biggest penises, and asian men have the smallest. If the latter is true, then asian women will have the smallest vaginas. I hope these circumstances result in a pleasurable wedding night.
To a point. I mean to say that I hope that his penis is small enough, and her vagina big enough that sex remains comfortable. If his penis is too big, or her’s too small, then sex will be uncomfortable. I have met a man whose penis was so large that casual sex with women became painful for the women. Many of his relationships ended soon after the first instance of sex. This resulted in depression for him. For the last two years, he has had trouble keeping jobs. In fact, I have not seen or heard of him for weeks, now. I am worried.
Yet, nonetheless, I hope Leroy’s penis is the right fit for Mei’s vagina. I mean to that they his penis is small enough, and her vagina big enough that sex avoids painful. However, I hope his penis is big enough that he remains proud and Mei’s vagina small enough that she remains content. A man wants a big enough penis to feel proud, and a woman wants a vagina tight enough to feel fine with how it looks. No woman wants a vagina with beef jerky flaps. No man wants a vagina like that, either.
Yet, those vaginae help during birth. They lessen the pain for the mother because of the child's big head. A flexible vagina will help the mother during the long, painful labor, unless she gives birth to a headless child.
I wish my penis was bigger. Sometimes, I worry about pleasuring women during sex. They say they don’t mind, but I know that some of them are lying.
I have never seen Leroy’s penis.
I have never seen Mei's vagina, Leroy.
I am only guessing. I hope you two have a long, happy marriage, until death.
With much love,
---------
Our society places a high standard on looks and money in relationships. Yet, even the most attractive and richest people have trouble keeping married. Many marriages end in divorce.
That is it’s so nice that you too are getting married. I am not saying you two are ugly. Our friends will agree when I state that you are among the most attractive people around. For example, like Kobe Bryant and Lucy Liu. I mean to say that it is nice that this is an interracial marriage, and most marriages are between people of the same race. This highlights the fact that you two really love each other, which you still would if you were of other kinds of races, as long as you had the same personalities.
I hope the sex is good. They say black men have the biggest penises, and asian men have the smallest. If the latter is true, then asian women will have the smallest vaginas. I hope these circumstances result in a pleasurable wedding night.
To a point. I mean to say that I hope that his penis is small enough, and her vagina big enough that sex remains comfortable. If his penis is too big, or her’s too small, then sex will be uncomfortable. I have met a man whose penis was so large that casual sex with women became painful for the women. Many of his relationships ended soon after the first instance of sex. This resulted in depression for him. For the last two years, he has had trouble keeping jobs. In fact, I have not seen or heard of him for weeks, now. I am worried.
Yet, nonetheless, I hope Leroy’s penis is the right fit for Mei’s vagina. I mean to that they his penis is small enough, and her vagina big enough that sex avoids painful. However, I hope his penis is big enough that he remains proud and Mei’s vagina small enough that she remains content. A man wants a big enough penis to feel proud, and a woman wants a vagina tight enough to feel fine with how it looks. No woman wants a vagina with beef jerky flaps. No man wants a vagina like that, either.
Yet, those vaginae help during birth. They lessen the pain for the mother because of the child's big head. A flexible vagina will help the mother during the long, painful labor, unless she gives birth to a headless child.
I wish my penis was bigger. Sometimes, I worry about pleasuring women during sex. They say they don’t mind, but I know that some of them are lying.
I have never seen Leroy’s penis.
I have never seen Mei's vagina, Leroy.
I am only guessing. I hope you two have a long, happy marriage, until death.
With much love,
---------
Friday, December 7, 2007
Sexual Perversion at Columbia University
(Written around early March, 2007)
A November 2006 article for the New York Daily News said that Columbia University is a cesspool of S&M, sex in the Library, and naked parties. Said one student, “You go to dinner and then have sex.” Ladies and gentlemen, I am appalled at this university, at the students, at you, for not inviting me to these functions. Not that I’d do that shit. But be a little polite. Be considerate.
“Hey, want to participate in an orgy?” you say.
“Sorry, ****, but I can’t. Too much homework.”
**************************
Okay--the preceding text was my attempt to be funny (except the Daily News did write such an article). But, really, tell me how “hooking up” works. I’m lost on the subject. How do you go to dinner and then have sex?
The best advice I’ve heard—solid advice—is to be friendly, polite, and straightforward. Reasonably aggressive. Unfortunately, some men take this too far. Some go up to a woman and simply ask for sex. That’s weird. It’s bad to be the fifty-year-old standing on Broadway checking out college girls. It’s bad to be the drunken guy hitting on all the ladies at parties. It’s bad to be the class rapist.
I feel awful for women who have to put up with creeps. Butt-grabbing, staring, rapist creeps. I hear these stories—the non-so-serious and the serious—and I get a lukewarm tennis ball in my gut. These incidences are an invasion of a person’s property. If you were to grab a stranger’s ass without permission, you’re showing this person that you have no respect for them, that you think of that person as a means of getting off; their life, to you, is insignificant. It’s even worse when you’ve got stalker-type love. Stalker-type love exceeds lust in intensity, and can involve various types of stalking…such as internet stalking. O_o’
But it’s more complicated than men being perverts or possessive. Understand. In my old high school, I once saw this guy toss a girl cheek-first into a brick wall as if he were trying to put her in the hospital. Her whole body was flat against the brick wall, and she was laughing the whole time. This was flirting to those people. He was wooing her. (I repeat: he chucked her like a bag of sand.)
And, during other school days, other guys said things like, “Come here before I hit you!” or “Let me put my dick right here.” And this worked for them. Some girls were okay with that kind of stuff.
“But,” you may ask. “How can you stand here and scrutinize how other people—especially other men—go on with themselves sexually? You probably have the same thoughts. Haven’t you acted creepy?”
That’s not even a question. I’m 19 and male. Of course I want to fuck somebody, and of course I’ve acted creepy.
You may wonder how those incidences ended up. Well, dear reader, it’s none of your business. Because it’s not.
Still, I must say: I’ve never put my hands on someone without her and me already having that kind of understanding between us (no serious attachment necessary).
Anyway, imagine the conversations we’re supposed to have at naked parties.
A November 2006 article for the New York Daily News said that Columbia University is a cesspool of S&M, sex in the Library, and naked parties. Said one student, “You go to dinner and then have sex.” Ladies and gentlemen, I am appalled at this university, at the students, at you, for not inviting me to these functions. Not that I’d do that shit. But be a little polite. Be considerate.
“Hey, want to participate in an orgy?” you say.
“Sorry, ****, but I can’t. Too much homework.”
**************************
Okay--the preceding text was my attempt to be funny (except the Daily News did write such an article). But, really, tell me how “hooking up” works. I’m lost on the subject. How do you go to dinner and then have sex?
The best advice I’ve heard—solid advice—is to be friendly, polite, and straightforward. Reasonably aggressive. Unfortunately, some men take this too far. Some go up to a woman and simply ask for sex. That’s weird. It’s bad to be the fifty-year-old standing on Broadway checking out college girls. It’s bad to be the drunken guy hitting on all the ladies at parties. It’s bad to be the class rapist.
I feel awful for women who have to put up with creeps. Butt-grabbing, staring, rapist creeps. I hear these stories—the non-so-serious and the serious—and I get a lukewarm tennis ball in my gut. These incidences are an invasion of a person’s property. If you were to grab a stranger’s ass without permission, you’re showing this person that you have no respect for them, that you think of that person as a means of getting off; their life, to you, is insignificant. It’s even worse when you’ve got stalker-type love. Stalker-type love exceeds lust in intensity, and can involve various types of stalking…such as internet stalking. O_o’
But it’s more complicated than men being perverts or possessive. Understand. In my old high school, I once saw this guy toss a girl cheek-first into a brick wall as if he were trying to put her in the hospital. Her whole body was flat against the brick wall, and she was laughing the whole time. This was flirting to those people. He was wooing her. (I repeat: he chucked her like a bag of sand.)
And, during other school days, other guys said things like, “Come here before I hit you!” or “Let me put my dick right here.” And this worked for them. Some girls were okay with that kind of stuff.
“But,” you may ask. “How can you stand here and scrutinize how other people—especially other men—go on with themselves sexually? You probably have the same thoughts. Haven’t you acted creepy?”
That’s not even a question. I’m 19 and male. Of course I want to fuck somebody, and of course I’ve acted creepy.
You may wonder how those incidences ended up. Well, dear reader, it’s none of your business. Because it’s not.
Still, I must say: I’ve never put my hands on someone without her and me already having that kind of understanding between us (no serious attachment necessary).
Anyway, imagine the conversations we’re supposed to have at naked parties.
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