A speech, 1st draft, written by a drunk man

Dear Leroy and Mei,

Our society places a high standard on looks and money in relationships. Yet, even the most attractive and richest people have trouble keeping married. Many marriages end in divorce.

That is it’s so nice that you too are getting married. I am not saying you two are ugly. Our friends will agree when I state that you are among the most attractive people around. For example, like Kobe Bryant and Lucy Liu. I mean to say that it is nice that this is an interracial marriage, and most marriages are between people of the same race. This highlights the fact that you two really love each other, which you still would if you were of other kinds of races, as long as you had the same personalities.

I hope the sex is good. They say black men have the biggest penises, and asian men have the smallest. If the latter is true, then asian women will have the smallest vaginas. I hope these circumstances result in a pleasurable wedding night.

To a point. I mean to say that I hope that his penis is small enough, and her vagina big enough that sex remains comfortable. If his penis is too big, or her’s too small, then sex will be uncomfortable. I have met a man whose penis was so large that casual sex with women became painful for the women. Many of his relationships ended soon after the first instance of sex. This resulted in depression for him. For the last two years, he has had trouble keeping jobs. In fact, I have not seen or heard of him for weeks, now. I am worried.

Yet, nonetheless, I hope Leroy’s penis is the right fit for Mei’s vagina. I mean to that they his penis is small enough, and her vagina big enough that sex avoids painful. However, I hope his penis is big enough that he remains proud and Mei’s vagina small enough that she remains content. A man wants a big enough penis to feel proud, and a woman wants a vagina tight enough to feel fine with how it looks. No woman wants a vagina with beef jerky flaps. No man wants a vagina like that, either.

Yet, those vaginae help during birth. They lessen the pain for the mother because of the child's big head. A flexible vagina will help the mother during the long, painful labor, unless she gives birth to a headless child.

I wish my penis was bigger. Sometimes, I worry about pleasuring women during sex. They say they don’t mind, but I know that some of them are lying.

I have never seen Leroy’s penis.
I have never seen Mei's vagina, Leroy.
I am only guessing. I hope you two have a long, happy marriage, until death.

With much love,

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