Written September 2007
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like a wimp.
I remember in high school, when I was walking home from the bus, I’d pass the Chick Fil’A, and the K Mart, and see the employees on their breaks, They were smoking. They huddled together, bent over, and, by the way they pursed their lips, they resembled little mice nibbling on lunch.
Little fucking mice.
Smoking is equivalent to thumb-sucking. It’s nibbling on a paper, ashy stick. When a person smokes, he lets everybody know how nervous and agitated he is. You never see any body smoke when they were already comfortable, only when they need some sort of comfort.
Now, some of you may bring up famous smokers.
Such as journalist Oriana Fallaci, prime-minister Winston Churchill, actress Audrey Hepburn, writer Oscar Wilde, and everybody’s favorite body-builder-turned-actor-turned-governor: Arnold Swartzennegger. These are very, cool, talented people who have been seem smoking many times. It seems, from those instances of them smoking, that the act can be considered cool.
But it isn’t smoking that made those people cool. Those people were already cool. They already made great accomplishments.
Cool people—truly awesome people—do what they have to do when they have to do it. They make eye contact. They have goals, and attempt to fulfill those goals despite opposition. When faced with opposition, cool people grab their balls, and say, "bring it, fuckers."
So when cool people are seen smoking, observers begin to see smoking as cool. And that was where the association began, the situation that created the myth.
Showing posts with label Philolexian Society. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Philolexian Society. Show all posts
Monday, March 10, 2008
An obsequious address
Written September 2007
Moderator! What is up!
Did you all watch the news yesterday? Listen—this guy beat up a gorilla at the Bronx Zoo.
See, these little kids fell into a gorilla pit, and the gorilla ran at them because they invaded his space. He bared his fangs, and beat his chest. About to smear those little kids.
And then the moderator dove in, and stood between the children, and the gorilla’s punches. The gorilla punched the moderator in the jaw, the shoulder, the gut, and the ribs. Of course, the punches didn’t affect the moderator, except for the punch to the gut, which tickled him.
The moderator carried the children out of the pit. They ran to their mother, and started crying tears of joy, and said, "the moderator saved us, mommy."
Everyone thought the incident had finished, except for the gorilla. He climbed out the pit, and grabbed the moderator’s shoulder, and spoke. The gorilla spoke. He said, "I’m not finished with you."
Then the moderator punched the gorilla in the mouth, and back into the pit. He clobbered that gorilla a thousand times over until the gorilla fell back onto a boulder.
Then the moderator took a banana, unpeeled it, and began to eat it. He waved it in front of the gorilla. He said, "I bet you want to eat this, huh, you stupid monkey. C’mon, you stupid monkey, grab the banana." And the gorilla tried to grab the banana, but the moderator pulled the banana away.
After finishing the banana, the moderator threw the banana peel on the ground. And then gorilla gathered enough strength to stand and run at the moderator once more, but he slipped on the banana peel.
Thank you, moderator. Thank you for showing monkeys everywhere they are inferior to humans.
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Moderator! What is up!
Did you all watch the news yesterday? Listen—this guy beat up a gorilla at the Bronx Zoo.
See, these little kids fell into a gorilla pit, and the gorilla ran at them because they invaded his space. He bared his fangs, and beat his chest. About to smear those little kids.
And then the moderator dove in, and stood between the children, and the gorilla’s punches. The gorilla punched the moderator in the jaw, the shoulder, the gut, and the ribs. Of course, the punches didn’t affect the moderator, except for the punch to the gut, which tickled him.
The moderator carried the children out of the pit. They ran to their mother, and started crying tears of joy, and said, "the moderator saved us, mommy."
Everyone thought the incident had finished, except for the gorilla. He climbed out the pit, and grabbed the moderator’s shoulder, and spoke. The gorilla spoke. He said, "I’m not finished with you."
Then the moderator punched the gorilla in the mouth, and back into the pit. He clobbered that gorilla a thousand times over until the gorilla fell back onto a boulder.
Then the moderator took a banana, unpeeled it, and began to eat it. He waved it in front of the gorilla. He said, "I bet you want to eat this, huh, you stupid monkey. C’mon, you stupid monkey, grab the banana." And the gorilla tried to grab the banana, but the moderator pulled the banana away.
After finishing the banana, the moderator threw the banana peel on the ground. And then gorilla gathered enough strength to stand and run at the moderator once more, but he slipped on the banana peel.
Thank you, moderator. Thank you for showing monkeys everywhere they are inferior to humans.
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Resolved: Suffering makes you legitimate
Writing November 2007
I’ll start this by reading a passage from the Aeschylus play, Agamemnon--
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Real anguish isn’t BS like your parents not buying you a car. Real anguish fucks with a person’s belief in the goodness of life. People who suffered have the potential to better understand human nature. Through pain, they’ve been exposed to their own breaking points and limitations. That’s what pain brings—unbiased self-knowledge, where your façade has been torn away, and you must stare at your real self.
Look at the people of Liberia, they just suffered two civil wars in about 10 years. There, it is said that every family had a son that was part of a militia, and a daughter that had been raped by a militiaman. This was suffering at its most extreme. Child soldiers, cannibalism, 200,000 dead. When these people suffered, they acted in horrific ways, which highlighted their most basic desires and instincts.
If you have not suffered, you have not had the chance to mature. The suffering know how vulnerable their lives are, and what they themselves are capable of. They understand the world to be a potential sham. Therefore, rather than living in spiritual muck, some of them attempt to find a meaning to life. Those who succeed in this have the potential to affect the world more than any one else could because they have a full understanding of the world.
Look at people like current Liberian president Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, a former political prisoner who is now attempting to reform the country.
Abraham Lincoln, who dealt with depression his entire life, and yet saved the USA.
Malcolm X, the son of a minister killed by white supremacists,
Malcolm X who spent a considerable amount of the early portion of his life in detention centers and prison, and later became one of the last, great American heroes.
Finally, look at Cervantes,
who fought in a war,
crippled his left hand,
lived as a slave in Algiers,
then later, once freed from slavery,
became bankrupt,
went to prison because of money problems,
and had much trouble in living as a writer
until he wrote the legendary first novel, Don Quixote.
And in the prologue of this work, he acknowledged that his life of suffering shaped the story itself. This novel would go on to shape all of literature, and certainly influenced the style of our tongue-in-cheek literary group, the Philolexian Society.
Thank you all for listening.
I’ll start this by reading a passage from the Aeschylus play, Agamemnon--
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Real anguish isn’t BS like your parents not buying you a car. Real anguish fucks with a person’s belief in the goodness of life. People who suffered have the potential to better understand human nature. Through pain, they’ve been exposed to their own breaking points and limitations. That’s what pain brings—unbiased self-knowledge, where your façade has been torn away, and you must stare at your real self.
Look at the people of Liberia, they just suffered two civil wars in about 10 years. There, it is said that every family had a son that was part of a militia, and a daughter that had been raped by a militiaman. This was suffering at its most extreme. Child soldiers, cannibalism, 200,000 dead. When these people suffered, they acted in horrific ways, which highlighted their most basic desires and instincts.
If you have not suffered, you have not had the chance to mature. The suffering know how vulnerable their lives are, and what they themselves are capable of. They understand the world to be a potential sham. Therefore, rather than living in spiritual muck, some of them attempt to find a meaning to life. Those who succeed in this have the potential to affect the world more than any one else could because they have a full understanding of the world.
Look at people like current Liberian president Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, a former political prisoner who is now attempting to reform the country.
Abraham Lincoln, who dealt with depression his entire life, and yet saved the USA.
Malcolm X, the son of a minister killed by white supremacists,
Malcolm X who spent a considerable amount of the early portion of his life in detention centers and prison, and later became one of the last, great American heroes.
Finally, look at Cervantes,
who fought in a war,
crippled his left hand,
lived as a slave in Algiers,
then later, once freed from slavery,
became bankrupt,
went to prison because of money problems,
and had much trouble in living as a writer
until he wrote the legendary first novel, Don Quixote.
And in the prologue of this work, he acknowledged that his life of suffering shaped the story itself. This novel would go on to shape all of literature, and certainly influenced the style of our tongue-in-cheek literary group, the Philolexian Society.
Thank you all for listening.
An obsequious address, for the Moderator of the Philolexian Society
Oh, Moderator,
Oh, breaker of horses and small children
Oh, Master of the 37th chamber of shaolin kung fu,
Oh, Semitic saint,
Oh, man who makes me go "OH!"
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Oh, breaker of horses and small children
Oh, Master of the 37th chamber of shaolin kung fu,
Oh, Semitic saint,
Oh, man who makes me go "OH!"
May I approach yon podilecturn?
Resolved: Hentai is sad
Written October 2007
If we wanted other people only for sex, we’d all just masturbate. Forget the effort of meeting people at nightclubs, forget spending evenings out, forget snuggling with them, or getting hung up on them. We’d all just masturbate, because interaction with human beings carries greater emotional and physical risk than masturbation does.
But, obviously, people get into friendships with each other. They pay to have sex with one another. And so forth. There must be another reason why people interact with one another, despite the risks. This reason must be inherent in human interaction.
I mention this because in the case of hentai, the masturbator is utterly removed from people.
There’s no such thing as human interaction, so obviously, this person is missing something other people get.
So, we must ask: what does human interaction get us?
I will begin to answer that question by saying that when I hang out with people I like, I feel a nice little glow. We see a movie, we get some coffee, we sit on Low steps to chat. I enjoy hanging out with them for the sake of hanging out with them. And when we leave each other, I feel that hanging out was good use of my time.
Sex, Adam Sandler once implied, lasts around 8 minutes. Friendships and other relationships last a little longer that. They are more substantial than that. But sex, at least, involves human interaction. If you have sex with someone you like, you’re bound to enjoy yourself as much as you can. The type of lover doesn’t matter--it doesn’t matter if the person is a fuck buddy, or an exclusive lover. What matters is that you’re comfortable with this person—if you’re comfortable.
Therefore, emotional interaction outweighs sexual feeling, even though sexual feeling is pret-ty fucking awesome.
Therefore, hentai is sad because people who love hentai miss out on the warmth of human interaction.
If we wanted other people only for sex, we’d all just masturbate. Forget the effort of meeting people at nightclubs, forget spending evenings out, forget snuggling with them, or getting hung up on them. We’d all just masturbate, because interaction with human beings carries greater emotional and physical risk than masturbation does.
But, obviously, people get into friendships with each other. They pay to have sex with one another. And so forth. There must be another reason why people interact with one another, despite the risks. This reason must be inherent in human interaction.
I mention this because in the case of hentai, the masturbator is utterly removed from people.
There’s no such thing as human interaction, so obviously, this person is missing something other people get.
So, we must ask: what does human interaction get us?
I will begin to answer that question by saying that when I hang out with people I like, I feel a nice little glow. We see a movie, we get some coffee, we sit on Low steps to chat. I enjoy hanging out with them for the sake of hanging out with them. And when we leave each other, I feel that hanging out was good use of my time.
Sex, Adam Sandler once implied, lasts around 8 minutes. Friendships and other relationships last a little longer that. They are more substantial than that. But sex, at least, involves human interaction. If you have sex with someone you like, you’re bound to enjoy yourself as much as you can. The type of lover doesn’t matter--it doesn’t matter if the person is a fuck buddy, or an exclusive lover. What matters is that you’re comfortable with this person—if you’re comfortable.
Therefore, emotional interaction outweighs sexual feeling, even though sexual feeling is pret-ty fucking awesome.
Therefore, hentai is sad because people who love hentai miss out on the warmth of human interaction.
Resolved: As the total population of human beings grow, the value of an individual life falls.
Written October, 2007; Never ever read aloud to an audience
I’m speaking against this resolution, and I’ll attack it from different philosophical aspects.
First, the religious aspect. Many world religions reject the idea of the murder or death of any creature. The Roman Catholic Church itself prohibits the use of contraceptives for this reason. Even semen is considered sacred.
Now, in regard to population, the Bible says something about this. Cain slew Abel at a time when there were very few people on planet earth. This illustrates that one human may see another as being unworthy of life, regardless of the low population of their group. Of course, God disagrees with Cain, and punishes him. Therefore, we must acknowledge that in figuring this resolution out, we must take an objective, not subjective route. This is because a subjective POV is subject to opinion rather than fact.
So, what if the world is inherently meaningless? What if we merely exist in a world without God? Consider that, even if you disagree. In this case, there is no God to set the value of human life. So, now, I set out to define to value of a human life in an atheistic context.
Imagine that I’m 5 years old. Yeah high, big dimples, curly hair. And I’m playing with a bouncy ball on the sidewalk. And I fumble the bouncy ball, and the ball bounces onto the street, and I run after it. And a truck hits me. (Mime this, fall)
So, I’m dead. Or I died long ago. In any case, I wouldn’t matter to you people because you never met me.
But despite this, my life would still have value. It would still affect yours; or, at least, its lack of affect would affect you. Ladies and gentlemen, every resolution in this stump speech hat was written by me. When you go up here tonight, every word you say has been influenced by me. If I were dead, you wouldn’t be doing this stump speech night. My life has had an affect on the world, and it has had an affect on you.
If I were dead, obviously, somebody else would be speaking here tonight. Maybe (name people in the audience) Mr. K---, Ms. D----, Ms. C-----, Mr. Ed. You’d be doing something differently right now if it weren’t for me. Likewise, if our roles were reversed, I’d be doing something differently if it weren’t for you.
And even if we believe that our actions we have no meaning, they do have meaning. Our lives have meaning by virtue of our existence.
(turn to Dr. F-------) Dr. F-------, didn’t you and Ms. S---- used to date? And wouldn’t you say that both of you enriched each other’s lives for the better?
(Wait for reply. Kiss Dr. F------- on the forehead.)
Doctor, your life has meaning, as a cab driver’s live has meaning, as a politician’s live has meaning, as a baby’s life has meaning. And I thank you for existing, and I thank you for affect, influence my life, and I thank you all.
Thank you.
I’m speaking against this resolution, and I’ll attack it from different philosophical aspects.
First, the religious aspect. Many world religions reject the idea of the murder or death of any creature. The Roman Catholic Church itself prohibits the use of contraceptives for this reason. Even semen is considered sacred.
Now, in regard to population, the Bible says something about this. Cain slew Abel at a time when there were very few people on planet earth. This illustrates that one human may see another as being unworthy of life, regardless of the low population of their group. Of course, God disagrees with Cain, and punishes him. Therefore, we must acknowledge that in figuring this resolution out, we must take an objective, not subjective route. This is because a subjective POV is subject to opinion rather than fact.
So, what if the world is inherently meaningless? What if we merely exist in a world without God? Consider that, even if you disagree. In this case, there is no God to set the value of human life. So, now, I set out to define to value of a human life in an atheistic context.
Imagine that I’m 5 years old. Yeah high, big dimples, curly hair. And I’m playing with a bouncy ball on the sidewalk. And I fumble the bouncy ball, and the ball bounces onto the street, and I run after it. And a truck hits me. (Mime this, fall)
So, I’m dead. Or I died long ago. In any case, I wouldn’t matter to you people because you never met me.
But despite this, my life would still have value. It would still affect yours; or, at least, its lack of affect would affect you. Ladies and gentlemen, every resolution in this stump speech hat was written by me. When you go up here tonight, every word you say has been influenced by me. If I were dead, you wouldn’t be doing this stump speech night. My life has had an affect on the world, and it has had an affect on you.
If I were dead, obviously, somebody else would be speaking here tonight. Maybe (name people in the audience) Mr. K---, Ms. D----, Ms. C-----, Mr. Ed. You’d be doing something differently right now if it weren’t for me. Likewise, if our roles were reversed, I’d be doing something differently if it weren’t for you.
And even if we believe that our actions we have no meaning, they do have meaning. Our lives have meaning by virtue of our existence.
(turn to Dr. F-------) Dr. F-------, didn’t you and Ms. S---- used to date? And wouldn’t you say that both of you enriched each other’s lives for the better?
(Wait for reply. Kiss Dr. F------- on the forehead.)
Doctor, your life has meaning, as a cab driver’s live has meaning, as a politician’s live has meaning, as a baby’s life has meaning. And I thank you for existing, and I thank you for affect, influence my life, and I thank you all.
Thank you.
Resolved: The 21st Century Will Be Characterized by Unendurable Boredom
Written September 2007
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
Imagine that Santa Claus has crash-landed in the middle of Morningside Park. Blixem cracked two ribs, Rudolph’s broken his nose, Donner’s dead, and Prancer has forever lost the use of his rear legs. Santa’s in trouble, and he needs your help to save Christmas.
Faced with this scenario, you should do one of two things—either help them, or steal Santa’s bag of presents. The latter action should teach him about landing in Morningside Park.
In either case, congratulate yourself—you have fought against boredom. To fight boredom, you must adhere to the spirit of adventure, and the spirit of adventure calls on you to act. It calls on you to stand up, and do whatever it is you prefer to do with your life.
Those in favor of tonight’s resolution may think that past centuries were better than this one. You know, all the major discoveries have been made, and the major challenges have already been completed. The New World, penicillin, Civil Liberties; we landed on the moon. After all this being done, it seems that there is nothing else to discover, no more adventures to be had. It may seem to some that in order to function in any state near contentment, they have got to spend copious amounts of time doing drugs, drinking alcohol, watching TV. Copious, absurd amounts of time spent on distracting on them from their boring lives.
But you know why theirs live are boring? Because they’re not doing anything fun. Because they’ve not having adventures. Therefore, Tonight, I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to having adventures.
The 21st century will be characterized by a surplus of awesome because I live in it.
And you know what?—I have no idea what I’ll be doing after Philo, or tomorrow morning, for that matter. I may just sit in a chair, and read, but I will still emanate fun like an atomic bomb emanates radiation. Millions will die from exposure.
So, if you ever see me holding a big, red, magic bag, and passing out presents to people, you will know what this century has been all about.
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
Imagine that Santa Claus has crash-landed in the middle of Morningside Park. Blixem cracked two ribs, Rudolph’s broken his nose, Donner’s dead, and Prancer has forever lost the use of his rear legs. Santa’s in trouble, and he needs your help to save Christmas.
Faced with this scenario, you should do one of two things—either help them, or steal Santa’s bag of presents. The latter action should teach him about landing in Morningside Park.
In either case, congratulate yourself—you have fought against boredom. To fight boredom, you must adhere to the spirit of adventure, and the spirit of adventure calls on you to act. It calls on you to stand up, and do whatever it is you prefer to do with your life.
Those in favor of tonight’s resolution may think that past centuries were better than this one. You know, all the major discoveries have been made, and the major challenges have already been completed. The New World, penicillin, Civil Liberties; we landed on the moon. After all this being done, it seems that there is nothing else to discover, no more adventures to be had. It may seem to some that in order to function in any state near contentment, they have got to spend copious amounts of time doing drugs, drinking alcohol, watching TV. Copious, absurd amounts of time spent on distracting on them from their boring lives.
But you know why theirs live are boring? Because they’re not doing anything fun. Because they’ve not having adventures. Therefore, Tonight, I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to having adventures.
The 21st century will be characterized by a surplus of awesome because I live in it.
And you know what?—I have no idea what I’ll be doing after Philo, or tomorrow morning, for that matter. I may just sit in a chair, and read, but I will still emanate fun like an atomic bomb emanates radiation. Millions will die from exposure.
So, if you ever see me holding a big, red, magic bag, and passing out presents to people, you will know what this century has been all about.
Thank you.
Resolved: Seize the day, for tomorrow, we may die
Written April 2007
Fear. It's really fear that keeps alot of people. You ever notice in a seminar how someone will put their hand
It isn't my failures that bother it. It is the things I remember not doing that bothers me. The squandered opportunities.
9th grade of high school, I ran for the track and field team. The 1-mile and 2-mile races. Mid-season, for several weeks, I had a case tendonitis in my knees. At first, not debilitating. I always went to practice, and I went to a meet. But during this meet, it got worse. First, I ran the one-mile, and I did it okay, but the knees felt more stressed than ever before. A little while later, I got in line for the 2-mile race. The only other guy on my team running the race was a guy who did the long jump. He had no delusion as to succeeding or doing well. Coach just put him in there to have another guy from our school run the race. So it was him and me running. And the race started, and right there, the moment I began to run, my knees just screamed. Absolutely painful. After the first curve of the track, I was in the rear of the pack, and my teammate said,
"Are you okay?"
It was as bad as the tendonitis got. Because of the pain, I considered dropping out of the race; now, see, the 2-mile race is 8 laps long if you're running on a 400meter track. For most high schoolers, that race will go over ten minutes. For me, that race would go over ten minute. But, still, I didn't want look bad. I didn't want to look back at that moment and figure, "I pussed out." So I decided to run as hard as I could, for a long as I could, until, physically, I gave out. Until I couldn't possibly run anymore. I decided that if I was going to lose, I was going to lose as a man.
So I sprinted. And after the next curve of the track, I found myself. And, if you have ever been first place in a race, you know how mentally liberating it is. Being behind somebody creates this sense of being boxed in. But when you're in front of everyone, you feel like you have the entire track to yourself. In a race, there is nothing more amazing than the feeling that you receive from being in first place. And, oh my god, now, I cannot possibly give up. It would be very bad to drop from first to last in a race. So, I thought now I've got to finish this well.
And me and three guys from another school, we competed for the top three positions that whole race. One of them ran out far ahead of us all, so it basically and the other two fighting for 2nd and 3rd. So they passed me. And I passed them. And they passed me. And I passed them. The entire race, we practically leap frogged each other.
And my didn't knees even hurt anymore. I don't remember any pain at that point. I finished that race in 3rd place, and it was a personal record.
The way I ran that race is the way I would like to everything in my live. Certainly, considering an amount of moderation, but setting out to do what I need to set to do, and as doing as well I can. Even if I fail, I would like to go out in a blaze of glory. A blaze of glory is much, much better than sitting at home, promising myself I will be adventurous tomorrow.
Fear. It's really fear that keeps alot of people. You ever notice in a seminar how someone will put their hand
It isn't my failures that bother it. It is the things I remember not doing that bothers me. The squandered opportunities.
9th grade of high school, I ran for the track and field team. The 1-mile and 2-mile races. Mid-season, for several weeks, I had a case tendonitis in my knees. At first, not debilitating. I always went to practice, and I went to a meet. But during this meet, it got worse. First, I ran the one-mile, and I did it okay, but the knees felt more stressed than ever before. A little while later, I got in line for the 2-mile race. The only other guy on my team running the race was a guy who did the long jump. He had no delusion as to succeeding or doing well. Coach just put him in there to have another guy from our school run the race. So it was him and me running. And the race started, and right there, the moment I began to run, my knees just screamed. Absolutely painful. After the first curve of the track, I was in the rear of the pack, and my teammate said,
"Are you okay?"
It was as bad as the tendonitis got. Because of the pain, I considered dropping out of the race; now, see, the 2-mile race is 8 laps long if you're running on a 400meter track. For most high schoolers, that race will go over ten minutes. For me, that race would go over ten minute. But, still, I didn't want look bad. I didn't want to look back at that moment and figure, "I pussed out." So I decided to run as hard as I could, for a long as I could, until, physically, I gave out. Until I couldn't possibly run anymore. I decided that if I was going to lose, I was going to lose as a man.
So I sprinted. And after the next curve of the track, I found myself. And, if you have ever been first place in a race, you know how mentally liberating it is. Being behind somebody creates this sense of being boxed in. But when you're in front of everyone, you feel like you have the entire track to yourself. In a race, there is nothing more amazing than the feeling that you receive from being in first place. And, oh my god, now, I cannot possibly give up. It would be very bad to drop from first to last in a race. So, I thought now I've got to finish this well.
And me and three guys from another school, we competed for the top three positions that whole race. One of them ran out far ahead of us all, so it basically and the other two fighting for 2nd and 3rd. So they passed me. And I passed them. And they passed me. And I passed them. The entire race, we practically leap frogged each other.
And my didn't knees even hurt anymore. I don't remember any pain at that point. I finished that race in 3rd place, and it was a personal record.
The way I ran that race is the way I would like to everything in my live. Certainly, considering an amount of moderation, but setting out to do what I need to set to do, and as doing as well I can. Even if I fail, I would like to go out in a blaze of glory. A blaze of glory is much, much better than sitting at home, promising myself I will be adventurous tomorrow.
Resolved: Parents have no business raising their children
Written February 2007
So, I’ll be talking out of my ass. I’ve never fathered a child.
Raising kids requires a bit of self-knowledge. You have to be able to impart some sort of wisdom to the kid. Even if they don’t surpass you financially, they can surpass you as human beings. They can be more disciplined than you are. Just a little improvement, in one area, the body of knowledge of the family collecting over time, by generation. If only that, then your parenting was a success. Then they can set it up so their kids are better than they are.
Please don’t have a baby just to have a baby. This isn’t doll time. You’re not pretending to feed a plastic baby. You’re not going to you have to be there, at least dreadfully conscious of long nights of the baby waking you up.
And every family requires respect amongst the members. The conscious and unconscious knowledge that person before you is someone with emotions, desires, and a brain. The knowledge that regardless of what you feel, or want, you have to understand that you’re not to undermine the other person. You can be angry at them all, ground your kids for a year, not have sex with your spouse, but in no way will you belittle their consciousnesses. That is love: respect. And it must be mutual. Forget wanting to fuck somebody, forget wanting to cuddle with your two year old just to cuddle with them. You have to be prepared and willing to stand with someone through second mortgages, bills, bills, bills, disagreements—whatever, as long as their behavior isn’t the self-destructive bullshit that will take you down too, which means that the respect isn’t mutual because they are not looking out for you. If there is not mutual respect, no love, then there is no family. It is easier said than done, but so be it, it’s really the only general way I can think of. So even if you don’t like your spouse, you had better respect them, and they you, if you’re both to raise the same kids. Then that respect will transfer to your kids.
So, I’ll be talking out of my ass. I’ve never fathered a child.
Raising kids requires a bit of self-knowledge. You have to be able to impart some sort of wisdom to the kid. Even if they don’t surpass you financially, they can surpass you as human beings. They can be more disciplined than you are. Just a little improvement, in one area, the body of knowledge of the family collecting over time, by generation. If only that, then your parenting was a success. Then they can set it up so their kids are better than they are.
Please don’t have a baby just to have a baby. This isn’t doll time. You’re not pretending to feed a plastic baby. You’re not going to you have to be there, at least dreadfully conscious of long nights of the baby waking you up.
And every family requires respect amongst the members. The conscious and unconscious knowledge that person before you is someone with emotions, desires, and a brain. The knowledge that regardless of what you feel, or want, you have to understand that you’re not to undermine the other person. You can be angry at them all, ground your kids for a year, not have sex with your spouse, but in no way will you belittle their consciousnesses. That is love: respect. And it must be mutual. Forget wanting to fuck somebody, forget wanting to cuddle with your two year old just to cuddle with them. You have to be prepared and willing to stand with someone through second mortgages, bills, bills, bills, disagreements—whatever, as long as their behavior isn’t the self-destructive bullshit that will take you down too, which means that the respect isn’t mutual because they are not looking out for you. If there is not mutual respect, no love, then there is no family. It is easier said than done, but so be it, it’s really the only general way I can think of. So even if you don’t like your spouse, you had better respect them, and they you, if you’re both to raise the same kids. Then that respect will transfer to your kids.
Resolved: Saying something loud makes it true
Written April 2007
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
When I was eight, I had a fever, and when I had this fever I dreamed that a large concrete block landed on my face. Believing this dream to be real, I woke up, and ran screaming throughout the house, yelling at everyone, "I’m dead, I’m dead."
So, if it is true that saying something loud makes it true, then I am the sexiest corpse you have ever seen.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
When I was eight, I had a fever, and when I had this fever I dreamed that a large concrete block landed on my face. Believing this dream to be real, I woke up, and ran screaming throughout the house, yelling at everyone, "I’m dead, I’m dead."
So, if it is true that saying something loud makes it true, then I am the sexiest corpse you have ever seen.
Resolved: Everyone is an asshole once you get to know them
Written April, 2007
Ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian society, arguing against this resolution feels futile, but I’m doing it anyway. And I will ask you to be patient because at first it’s going to sound like I am arguing in the affirmative.
In a stand-up performance of his called Bigger and Blacker, Chris Rock said that when you get into a relationship with somebody, you’re not really meeting the person; you’re meeting a quote-unquote, "representative." You’re meeting a preconceived image of that person, which he or she shows the world. That image is how the person would like to be seen. And that, at lot of times, is true. When we meet a person and we get a first impression, but that first impression is always in a precarious position. This is because the image tends to be an act, and, there will be moments when the act shuts down.
If you want to know a person—for real—observe them in a war zone. See how they handle abject poverty. Have them make Sophie’s choice. Or, better yet, see them in an opportunity to gain personally from hurting other people. And that’s what being an asshole is about—personal benefit at the expense of others. So if you want to see if someone is an asshole or not, you give them an opportunity to hurt others when something can be gained. And many people, you put them the opportunity and they’ll show you textbook definition of asshole.
I’ve heard of people killing each other simply out of anger, out of petty pride. In Elie Wiesel’s memoir Night, he made reference to two prisoners at a concentration camp—A father and son. And the son stole the father’s food rations. No remorse. It was every man for himself. And in my life I have seen that sort of thing in many places. Not the same situation or arrangement, but events that included one person betraying another. Even between family members. Consider the case of Susan Smith, who, in 1994, drowned her two sons, and tried to cover it up by saying that a black guy had kidnapped them. According the lawyers who prosecuted her, she got rid of her children in other to seem more attractive an ex-lover. The fact she had already had kids was a reason for him breaking up with her.
And that’s the kind of thing that can happen. A family will live together for years, eat together, go on vacations together—knowing each other for decades—and then one day, something happens the whole relationship is changed. One person does something absolutely disgusting, absolutely vitriolic and unforgivable. And no one would have been able to predict it. But, from them on, the relationship between those family members becomes all about the single moment that reveals the truth. So I concede that a large number of people are assholes.
It’s really safe to say that if the balance of power in history were reversed, we’d still have the same kinds of things happening. If it were convenient for Jews to massacre Christians, they’d have done it. If it were convenient for Africans to enslave Europeans, they’d have done it. The way these incidences played out in reality were all about convenience.
But is there is still something I can’t let go of, and that is the evidence of sincere goodness. To return to examples of families, there are people who stick together during terrible circumstances. They are young fathers who stick by the mothers during an unexpected pregnancy. I met a mother, 50 years old, who, in order to support her sons, worked two jobs. Monday through Friday, she went to sleep from 1 to 2am, and woke up at 6am. And she cleaned the house. The only thing she expected from her kids were good grades. She had no regrets.
And remember the Subway Superman? Wesley Autrey. The most amazing thing is that he did it for a stranger. And the money he received from rich people because of his good deed, he deserved it, he’s got kids to feed. The President mentioned him during a State of the Union address. Hey, huess what, assholes of the world, learn to be good people, and maybe you, too, will get a shout-out during the State of the Union address. Fucking A.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian society, arguing against this resolution feels futile, but I’m doing it anyway. And I will ask you to be patient because at first it’s going to sound like I am arguing in the affirmative.
In a stand-up performance of his called Bigger and Blacker, Chris Rock said that when you get into a relationship with somebody, you’re not really meeting the person; you’re meeting a quote-unquote, "representative." You’re meeting a preconceived image of that person, which he or she shows the world. That image is how the person would like to be seen. And that, at lot of times, is true. When we meet a person and we get a first impression, but that first impression is always in a precarious position. This is because the image tends to be an act, and, there will be moments when the act shuts down.
If you want to know a person—for real—observe them in a war zone. See how they handle abject poverty. Have them make Sophie’s choice. Or, better yet, see them in an opportunity to gain personally from hurting other people. And that’s what being an asshole is about—personal benefit at the expense of others. So if you want to see if someone is an asshole or not, you give them an opportunity to hurt others when something can be gained. And many people, you put them the opportunity and they’ll show you textbook definition of asshole.
I’ve heard of people killing each other simply out of anger, out of petty pride. In Elie Wiesel’s memoir Night, he made reference to two prisoners at a concentration camp—A father and son. And the son stole the father’s food rations. No remorse. It was every man for himself. And in my life I have seen that sort of thing in many places. Not the same situation or arrangement, but events that included one person betraying another. Even between family members. Consider the case of Susan Smith, who, in 1994, drowned her two sons, and tried to cover it up by saying that a black guy had kidnapped them. According the lawyers who prosecuted her, she got rid of her children in other to seem more attractive an ex-lover. The fact she had already had kids was a reason for him breaking up with her.
And that’s the kind of thing that can happen. A family will live together for years, eat together, go on vacations together—knowing each other for decades—and then one day, something happens the whole relationship is changed. One person does something absolutely disgusting, absolutely vitriolic and unforgivable. And no one would have been able to predict it. But, from them on, the relationship between those family members becomes all about the single moment that reveals the truth. So I concede that a large number of people are assholes.
It’s really safe to say that if the balance of power in history were reversed, we’d still have the same kinds of things happening. If it were convenient for Jews to massacre Christians, they’d have done it. If it were convenient for Africans to enslave Europeans, they’d have done it. The way these incidences played out in reality were all about convenience.
But is there is still something I can’t let go of, and that is the evidence of sincere goodness. To return to examples of families, there are people who stick together during terrible circumstances. They are young fathers who stick by the mothers during an unexpected pregnancy. I met a mother, 50 years old, who, in order to support her sons, worked two jobs. Monday through Friday, she went to sleep from 1 to 2am, and woke up at 6am. And she cleaned the house. The only thing she expected from her kids were good grades. She had no regrets.
And remember the Subway Superman? Wesley Autrey. The most amazing thing is that he did it for a stranger. And the money he received from rich people because of his good deed, he deserved it, he’s got kids to feed. The President mentioned him during a State of the Union address. Hey, huess what, assholes of the world, learn to be good people, and maybe you, too, will get a shout-out during the State of the Union address. Fucking A.
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