May 5, 2020
WASHINGTON, DC--The Secretary of the Interior resigned following a catastrophic exhibition in which he burned an American flag to ashes.
The exhibition was designed to showcase fire-proof fabric manufactured by Dow Jong Industries. Several weeks ago, Dow Jong had received a contract to produce flags used by the federal government.
Observers assumed that the flags would be comprised of the fire-proof fabric that has earned the Chinese company billions in the international market. Laboratory tests show that the flag burned by the Secretary was 100% cotton.
In aftermath of the flag burning, a press release from Dow Jong said, “The use of our Fire-Fighter Fabric was not included in the contract…This is not our fault.” The contract specifies that flags made for the US government will be made of cotton, and the use of any other material will render the contract void.
Federal authorities are looking into the legal mishap.
In a signed statement, the former-Secretary lamented his decision to burn the American flag in front of a crowd of reporters. “My intention was to show the world of America’s ability to handle any situation…I am sorry, and regret any shame brought upon my family.”
Video of the flag burning incident is the most-viewed selection this week on YouTube.
The President held a press conference to declare that the flag contract will be cancelled, pending further negotiations.
“This just shows the dangers of outsourcing to a hostile power, and the harm it can do,” The President said. A week ago, he had been the biggest supporter of the contract.
The President declined to comment on a replacement for the departing Secretary. A White House employee who spoke under the condition of anonymity said that a front-runner for the position was the governor of California, Jessica Marie Alba.
Showing posts with label Dissociated Press. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dissociated Press. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2008
Chinese corporation receives no-bid contract to produce US flag
April 21, 2020
SHANGHAI, China--Dow Jong Industies has received a no-bid contract from the federal government to manufacture flags used at government facilities and events. The five-year contract will begin October 1.
Dow-Jong, a state-owned conglomerate located in Guangdong, China, is best known for producing action figures, kitchen knives, and fire-proof fabric.
The Secretary of the Interior praised the move, saying that it would save tax payers millions, and ease pressure from the $50 trillion debt. He promises to soon exhibit the resiliency of the new flags by exposing one to a flamethrower.
SHANGHAI, China--Dow Jong Industies has received a no-bid contract from the federal government to manufacture flags used at government facilities and events. The five-year contract will begin October 1.
Dow-Jong, a state-owned conglomerate located in Guangdong, China, is best known for producing action figures, kitchen knives, and fire-proof fabric.
The Secretary of the Interior praised the move, saying that it would save tax payers millions, and ease pressure from the $50 trillion debt. He promises to soon exhibit the resiliency of the new flags by exposing one to a flamethrower.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
General: Laws of War Cause Lame Wars
SARAJEVO, Bosnia and Herzegovina--During a speech to students at the University of Sarajevo, General Slobodan Douchebagovich called the Geneva and Hague Conventions anti-peace documents in that the six treaties, substantial parts of the laws of war, limit effective military operations, and cause prolonged wars.
“What do we need rights in war for?” the Serbian general said. “We must be nice to adversary? ‘Here is pillow and lemonade. Now I shoot you.’”
Douchebagovich had been indicted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court, but the case was dropped due to several technicalities. He worried little about the movement to once again prosecute him, and, besides, he continues to look back fondly to his service at Srebrenica, where he and his men played soccer using infants as balls.
“Muslim babies are resilient people.”
He is the founder of GAW, Generals for Awesome Wars. The preamble to their constitution states that war law should be considered void because few organizations and governments only follow the treaties when convenient, besides Amnesty International and the International Committee of the Red Cross.
“Pussies,” Douchebagovich said about the humanitarian institutions. He and his organization advocate the development of Assertive Acquisition From Civilians Of Supplies To Be Used By Military Personnel (AAFCOSTBUBMP), and Interpersonal Relations Between Troops and Insurgents (IRBTAI). Such tactics aid troop morale, and tactical intelligence.
For example, AAFCOSTBUBMP eases financial pressure .
In regard to allegations that victims of the tactics would be abhorred at rape, pillage and torture, the General said, “First, in some dictionaries, ‘no’ means ‘no.’ But in the real ones, like the one my cousin made, ‘no’ sometimes means ‘yes.’ So you never know what they mean by, ‘Please, please, please don‘t.’”
Douchebagovich’s primary concern, however, lies with the reform in the regulation of nuclear weapons. He said that the current requirement of the use of such weapons, in which the existence of the State is in direct danger, is far too limited.
“If the existence of the State is not in danger today, it will in danger be tomorrow. Therefore, it is always in danger.”
He said that the reluctance to use nuclear weapons encourages armed resistance, and causes higher casualty rates in the long run. He cited the attacks on Nagasaki and Hiroshima to support his claim that nuclear attacks would stifle all sentiment toward opposition.
“Now that was shock and awe.”
“What do we need rights in war for?” the Serbian general said. “We must be nice to adversary? ‘Here is pillow and lemonade. Now I shoot you.’”
Douchebagovich had been indicted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court, but the case was dropped due to several technicalities. He worried little about the movement to once again prosecute him, and, besides, he continues to look back fondly to his service at Srebrenica, where he and his men played soccer using infants as balls.
“Muslim babies are resilient people.”
He is the founder of GAW, Generals for Awesome Wars. The preamble to their constitution states that war law should be considered void because few organizations and governments only follow the treaties when convenient, besides Amnesty International and the International Committee of the Red Cross.
“Pussies,” Douchebagovich said about the humanitarian institutions. He and his organization advocate the development of Assertive Acquisition From Civilians Of Supplies To Be Used By Military Personnel (AAFCOSTBUBMP), and Interpersonal Relations Between Troops and Insurgents (IRBTAI). Such tactics aid troop morale, and tactical intelligence.
For example, AAFCOSTBUBMP eases financial pressure .
In regard to allegations that victims of the tactics would be abhorred at rape, pillage and torture, the General said, “First, in some dictionaries, ‘no’ means ‘no.’ But in the real ones, like the one my cousin made, ‘no’ sometimes means ‘yes.’ So you never know what they mean by, ‘Please, please, please don‘t.’”
Douchebagovich’s primary concern, however, lies with the reform in the regulation of nuclear weapons. He said that the current requirement of the use of such weapons, in which the existence of the State is in direct danger, is far too limited.
“If the existence of the State is not in danger today, it will in danger be tomorrow. Therefore, it is always in danger.”
He said that the reluctance to use nuclear weapons encourages armed resistance, and causes higher casualty rates in the long run. He cited the attacks on Nagasaki and Hiroshima to support his claim that nuclear attacks would stifle all sentiment toward opposition.
“Now that was shock and awe.”
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Skull invasion begins, New Yorkers remain in city
NEW YORK, NY--This morning, shape shifting aliens called skrulls attacked New York City, causing billions in property damage and untold loss of life. As of press time, little is known about the fate of the superheroes engaged in the battle in Midtown Manhattan.
Both Director of SHIELD, Anthony Stark, and his superhero team the Mighty Avengers also remain missing.
Reports indicate that the invasion proper began months ago with the replacement by skrulls of hundreds throughout planet earth, including 10 members of the city council, 3 out of the 5 borough presidents, and city comptroller Bill Thompson.
Yesterday, SHIELD agents revealed city comptroller Bill Thompson as a skrull shortly after witnesses video taped the imposter engaging in an anti-black tirade. The real Thompson is (was?) African-American.
Experts speculate that the replacements hid in plain sight to gather intelligence for the intergalactic Skrull Empire.
Hours after the beginning of the attack, Mayor Michael Bloomberg held an emergency press conference at the stairs of the Thurgood Marshall US Courthouse.
"Today has showcased the resiliency of the good people of New York," the mayor said. "Even in the midst of this ongoing tragedy, our population continues to stand over 8 million, tourists worldwide visit our glorious streets, and the economy continues to grow. People want to go to the Big Apple."
"Indeed, the demand for NYC housing has never been more competitive, with the rest of the nation burned by the bursting at the housing bubble," he added, before a laser beam melted him into a green stain.
"Everyone, follow me!" the real Michael Bloomberg said, carrying a smoking, high-tech rifle the size of a grown man. He was accompanied by the remaining members of the New York State Militia Forces. Bloomberg, the Militia, and volunteers will stage a counter invasion from an undisclosed location.
"They should all leave," Martin Martinez, the Chief Operating Officer of Damage Control, Inc., said.
Damage Control is the government sponsored enterprise that repairs property damage in the wake of acts of superpowered violence, and has repaired New York City property in the wake of dozens of attacks from mutant terrorists, alien species, a deposed Latvarian Prime Minister, the Incredible Hulk, extradimensional forces, demons, runaway science experiments, time bombs, and multiple occurances of the collapse of time and space. As of press time, researchers are still calculating how many times New York City has faced certain destruction.
Martinez expresses surprise that European tourists continue to take advantage of the weak US dollar, and spend their money in the Big Apple. He says he cannot understand why the city remains the tourist hotspot, why people continue to move into the city, and why the flight of the middle class is moving as slowly as it is.
"New York is not worth it," Martinez said. "Even before the Skrulls, they were walking into a deficit of several billions of dollars, overpopulation, a broken transporation system. You can rent a piece of crap hole in Queens for the same price you can rent a decent, two bedroom apartment in Florida."
"What kind of crazy #$&@ wants to stay in Manhattan?" Martinez said shortly before the phone lines died.
"I love this city," Lauren Rose, a Columbia University student and Lieutenant of the Counter Invasion, said. "Where else could you be walking down the street, cup of coffee in hand, and witness such cultural diversity? Such history? I mean, where else can you see a three hundred pound man with unbreakable skin punch an anthropomorphic baboon through a brick wall? No where!"
Both Director of SHIELD, Anthony Stark, and his superhero team the Mighty Avengers also remain missing.
Reports indicate that the invasion proper began months ago with the replacement by skrulls of hundreds throughout planet earth, including 10 members of the city council, 3 out of the 5 borough presidents, and city comptroller Bill Thompson.
Yesterday, SHIELD agents revealed city comptroller Bill Thompson as a skrull shortly after witnesses video taped the imposter engaging in an anti-black tirade. The real Thompson is (was?) African-American.
Experts speculate that the replacements hid in plain sight to gather intelligence for the intergalactic Skrull Empire.
Hours after the beginning of the attack, Mayor Michael Bloomberg held an emergency press conference at the stairs of the Thurgood Marshall US Courthouse.
"Today has showcased the resiliency of the good people of New York," the mayor said. "Even in the midst of this ongoing tragedy, our population continues to stand over 8 million, tourists worldwide visit our glorious streets, and the economy continues to grow. People want to go to the Big Apple."
"Indeed, the demand for NYC housing has never been more competitive, with the rest of the nation burned by the bursting at the housing bubble," he added, before a laser beam melted him into a green stain.
"Everyone, follow me!" the real Michael Bloomberg said, carrying a smoking, high-tech rifle the size of a grown man. He was accompanied by the remaining members of the New York State Militia Forces. Bloomberg, the Militia, and volunteers will stage a counter invasion from an undisclosed location.
"They should all leave," Martin Martinez, the Chief Operating Officer of Damage Control, Inc., said.
Damage Control is the government sponsored enterprise that repairs property damage in the wake of acts of superpowered violence, and has repaired New York City property in the wake of dozens of attacks from mutant terrorists, alien species, a deposed Latvarian Prime Minister, the Incredible Hulk, extradimensional forces, demons, runaway science experiments, time bombs, and multiple occurances of the collapse of time and space. As of press time, researchers are still calculating how many times New York City has faced certain destruction.
Martinez expresses surprise that European tourists continue to take advantage of the weak US dollar, and spend their money in the Big Apple. He says he cannot understand why the city remains the tourist hotspot, why people continue to move into the city, and why the flight of the middle class is moving as slowly as it is.
"New York is not worth it," Martinez said. "Even before the Skrulls, they were walking into a deficit of several billions of dollars, overpopulation, a broken transporation system. You can rent a piece of crap hole in Queens for the same price you can rent a decent, two bedroom apartment in Florida."
"What kind of crazy #$&@ wants to stay in Manhattan?" Martinez said shortly before the phone lines died.
"I love this city," Lauren Rose, a Columbia University student and Lieutenant of the Counter Invasion, said. "Where else could you be walking down the street, cup of coffee in hand, and witness such cultural diversity? Such history? I mean, where else can you see a three hundred pound man with unbreakable skin punch an anthropomorphic baboon through a brick wall? No where!"
Monday, July 14, 2008
Bush Auctions Louisiana
WASHINGTON--Congress has passed a joint resolution that allows President Bush to auction the state of Louisiana. Proceeds will be used to reduce the federal government's $9.5 trillion debt.
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal criticized the sale in a radio interview. "#$%@ Bush!" he said.
"Bidding will begin at $1 million," Bush said during the White House Rose Garden signing ceremony. The number symbolizes the original price of the so-called Louisiana Purchase, encompassing 15 current states.
Then-president Thomas Jefferson brought the land from Napoleon Bonaparte in 1803. Critics had disparged the move as an excessive use of executive power.
Bush called the auction a return to small government principles, and a sign of bipartisan cooperation on Capitol Hill. He hopes that the proceeds will signal to the rest of the world that the United States is committed to positive international relations.
He outlined his contingency plan to move current residents of Louisiana to neighboring states, in the event that the highest bidder enforces strict regulations on "aliens-to-be." Refugees would relocate to FEMA trailers.
Experts predict that follow-up auctions will occur, featuring such states as Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Mississippi. Bush dismissed speculation.
"As of this moment in time, considering this unpresidented act, and the benefit this will have on families, we cannot say that we will not not rule out
another sale, depending on the result," he said. "You get me? We will definitely not not consider another auction. And that's the truth."
Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain praised the move, saying that the most pressing issue in America today is the economy.
He said that the residents of Louisiana could soon witness a transformation similar to the economic renassiance in Dubai, a popular vacation spot for millionaires, and location of a number of high-priced man-made islands. Much of Lousiana experienced extensive property damage in the 2005 hurricane season, and many remain homeless.
Sen. Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, also supported the auction. At a rally in Hanover, New Hampshire, Obama mused that auction proceeds could be used to support failing corporations. "What happened to Bear Stearns is unacceptable. We need to save our multibillion dollar corporations," he said.
Obama stopped mid-speech, and looked at his hands for several moments. "What have I become?" the Illinois senator said.
The audience roared its approval. Even men bared their breasts.
Representatives from the United Arab Emirates, France, China, Mexico, Iraq, and 20 other nations plan to attend the auction, to be held August 1st, at the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans.
***
But, seriously, the debt is really #$%@!
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal criticized the sale in a radio interview. "#$%@ Bush!" he said.
"Bidding will begin at $1 million," Bush said during the White House Rose Garden signing ceremony. The number symbolizes the original price of the so-called Louisiana Purchase, encompassing 15 current states.
Then-president Thomas Jefferson brought the land from Napoleon Bonaparte in 1803. Critics had disparged the move as an excessive use of executive power.
Bush called the auction a return to small government principles, and a sign of bipartisan cooperation on Capitol Hill. He hopes that the proceeds will signal to the rest of the world that the United States is committed to positive international relations.
He outlined his contingency plan to move current residents of Louisiana to neighboring states, in the event that the highest bidder enforces strict regulations on "aliens-to-be." Refugees would relocate to FEMA trailers.
Experts predict that follow-up auctions will occur, featuring such states as Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Mississippi. Bush dismissed speculation.
"As of this moment in time, considering this unpresidented act, and the benefit this will have on families, we cannot say that we will not not rule out
another sale, depending on the result," he said. "You get me? We will definitely not not consider another auction. And that's the truth."
Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain praised the move, saying that the most pressing issue in America today is the economy.
He said that the residents of Louisiana could soon witness a transformation similar to the economic renassiance in Dubai, a popular vacation spot for millionaires, and location of a number of high-priced man-made islands. Much of Lousiana experienced extensive property damage in the 2005 hurricane season, and many remain homeless.
Sen. Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, also supported the auction. At a rally in Hanover, New Hampshire, Obama mused that auction proceeds could be used to support failing corporations. "What happened to Bear Stearns is unacceptable. We need to save our multibillion dollar corporations," he said.
Obama stopped mid-speech, and looked at his hands for several moments. "What have I become?" the Illinois senator said.
The audience roared its approval. Even men bared their breasts.
Representatives from the United Arab Emirates, France, China, Mexico, Iraq, and 20 other nations plan to attend the auction, to be held August 1st, at the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans.
***
But, seriously, the debt is really #$%@!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Angelina Jolie gives birth to twins, paparazzo
By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer
NICE, France (DP) -- Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins and a photogapher who snuck into her womb 6 months ago. The Paparazzo is Ronald Johansen, who is 2 feet, 6 inches tall, and suffers from primoridial dwarfism. He is best known for snapping photos of Russel Crowe strangling a hot dog vendor with the strap of a bookbag.
Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was reported to be outraged in response to the discovery of Johannsen. Security apprehended Johansen, and confiscated his camera, which he had taken into the womb. Observers expect the camera to contain photos of the twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.
Johansen posted bail, but has yet to receive his camera.
"This is a travesty," the Swedish national said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "I put in months of hard work in order to take those pictures. What is the world coming to?"
He declined to answer questions about the contents of the camera, how he snuck into Angelina Jolie, and how he avoided detection on ultrasound tests. "The world will soon discover what the pictures show," he said. "It is my best work, and I plan to follow up with memoirs detailing the challenges I had to overcome."
Johansen maintains that his rights as a member of the press were violated once Pitt reached into the caesarean section and tore him into the womb. He sustained several bruises, and plans to sue Pitt for the assault and the Nice Police Department for failing to return his camera.
"I have never felt more discriminated against in my life."
Neither Pitt nor Jolie could be reached for comment.
NICE, France (DP) -- Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins and a photogapher who snuck into her womb 6 months ago. The Paparazzo is Ronald Johansen, who is 2 feet, 6 inches tall, and suffers from primoridial dwarfism. He is best known for snapping photos of Russel Crowe strangling a hot dog vendor with the strap of a bookbag.
Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was reported to be outraged in response to the discovery of Johannsen. Security apprehended Johansen, and confiscated his camera, which he had taken into the womb. Observers expect the camera to contain photos of the twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.
Johansen posted bail, but has yet to receive his camera.
"This is a travesty," the Swedish national said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "I put in months of hard work in order to take those pictures. What is the world coming to?"
He declined to answer questions about the contents of the camera, how he snuck into Angelina Jolie, and how he avoided detection on ultrasound tests. "The world will soon discover what the pictures show," he said. "It is my best work, and I plan to follow up with memoirs detailing the challenges I had to overcome."
Johansen maintains that his rights as a member of the press were violated once Pitt reached into the caesarean section and tore him into the womb. He sustained several bruises, and plans to sue Pitt for the assault and the Nice Police Department for failing to return his camera.
"I have never felt more discriminated against in my life."
Neither Pitt nor Jolie could be reached for comment.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Bill Regulates Rape Accusations
By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer
July 12, 2008--Weeks ago, New York Assemblyman Mark Catheter of New York introduced a bill that would regulate rape accusations. Now, he is receiving the backing of a not-for-profit organization, FRAT (the Federation of Rangers Against Tattletaling).
"Rape will still be a crime," the Assemblyman says about his new bill. "We just want to cut down on false accusations. Only a real victim would go to jail to catch the badguys. I mean, after an experience like rape, a night in jail will be no problem."
FRAT is an organization which, since 1901, has lobbied state legislatures and congress for laws that eliminate accusations. Members are called "Rangers," and Assemblyman Catheter has been a ranger since 1982, after he was sued for peeing on a neighbor's porch.
"I don't remember the urinating, per se, but then here I am stumbling down the driveway, getting called a drunk and a bum by Mrs. Finster."
Yesterday, FRAT protesters stormed the steps of the New York Legislature in Albany, New York, calling for whores to shut their mouths. Catheter expressed pride that FRAT was using its first amendment rights.
Anti-accusation proposals date back to 1796, when then-state senator Rufus Burr sponsored a bill that would eliminate insults any and all communication in New York. If the bill had been passed, then a violator would be forced to walk public with the word, "Basterd" tattooed on his forehead.
Catheter believes that by pushing for the passage of the "QYET BILL," he and the other Rangers are protecting the accused from accusations, and upholding the legal tradition that the accused are innocent until proven guilty.
He says, in addition: "It's the constitutional right for citizens to do with their bodies as they please."
July 12, 2008--Weeks ago, New York Assemblyman Mark Catheter of New York introduced a bill that would regulate rape accusations. Now, he is receiving the backing of a not-for-profit organization, FRAT (the Federation of Rangers Against Tattletaling).
"Rape will still be a crime," the Assemblyman says about his new bill. "We just want to cut down on false accusations. Only a real victim would go to jail to catch the badguys. I mean, after an experience like rape, a night in jail will be no problem."
FRAT is an organization which, since 1901, has lobbied state legislatures and congress for laws that eliminate accusations. Members are called "Rangers," and Assemblyman Catheter has been a ranger since 1982, after he was sued for peeing on a neighbor's porch.
"I don't remember the urinating, per se, but then here I am stumbling down the driveway, getting called a drunk and a bum by Mrs. Finster."
Yesterday, FRAT protesters stormed the steps of the New York Legislature in Albany, New York, calling for whores to shut their mouths. Catheter expressed pride that FRAT was using its first amendment rights.
Anti-accusation proposals date back to 1796, when then-state senator Rufus Burr sponsored a bill that would eliminate insults any and all communication in New York. If the bill had been passed, then a violator would be forced to walk public with the word, "Basterd" tattooed on his forehead.
Catheter believes that by pushing for the passage of the "QYET BILL," he and the other Rangers are protecting the accused from accusations, and upholding the legal tradition that the accused are innocent until proven guilty.
He says, in addition: "It's the constitutional right for citizens to do with their bodies as they please."
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Value of Life Plummets $900,000
***Based on a real article. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/07/10/national/main4250299.shtml?source=RSSattr=HOME_4250299#ccmm
By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer
July 12, 2008 -- The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) estimates the value of the average American's life to be $6.9 million, a $900,000 drop from 2003 levels.
The statistic results from other statistics, such as what people pay to avoid risks. Like other Government agencies, the EPA uses such a number to determine whether certain initiatives, such as regulations on pollution and thereby saving lives in the long run, are worth supporting with public funds.
If the cost of a initiative exceeds the dollar amount of human life benefitted, then the can consider the initiative impracticle. Americans nationwide are buzzing about the finding.
Yesterday, protesters stormed the front steps of the EPA headquarters in Washington, D.C. to call for the agency to return the value to previous levels, saying the finding was an affront to human dignity.
"It hurts my feelings," Ronald Cathater, a protester from Los Angeles, California, said. "But I'm special. No body can take away the value of my life. What I give to the world cannot be calculated in dollars and cents." Cathater lives with his mother, and spends over $300 a year on pornography.
In addition, immates in high-security prisons across the country are suing for more amenities, stating that their civil rights are being undermined by the low standards of living found at correctional facilities.
Mark Johnson, Esq., an attorney for several inmates at Rikers Island Prison in New York City, called the movement a milestone in American history.
"This is bigger than the Civil War," Johnson, said. "Perhaps, finally, the downtrodden can get the respect they deserve. You hear that, Sandra? You were wrong. I am worth something."
The change in the value of life has weaved itself into every part of society, as organizations across the nation used the drop as rationale for budget cuts. 50 counties removed chocolate milk from local public schools. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg removed the Administration for Children's Services from the city budget for the 2010-to-2011 fiscal year. In Alabama, Reginald Truman pawned his childrens' X-Box, and told them to finally get jobs, "goddammnit."
In Utah, the wife of kidnapped millionaire Paul Jackson has pushed for renegotiations with her husband's kidnappers. Tanya Jackson had leaned toward conceeding to the orginal demand for $10 million. Upon reading of the EPA's recalculation, however, she changed her mind, and called the kidnappers, "thieves" and "terrorists" for their high price.
If there is going to be a transaction, Jackson says, then they should accept her new offer of $6.9 million. "It's what Paul would've wanted. He was always about being frugal. He never spent more on something than what it was worth."
By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer
July 12, 2008 -- The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) estimates the value of the average American's life to be $6.9 million, a $900,000 drop from 2003 levels.
The statistic results from other statistics, such as what people pay to avoid risks. Like other Government agencies, the EPA uses such a number to determine whether certain initiatives, such as regulations on pollution and thereby saving lives in the long run, are worth supporting with public funds.
If the cost of a initiative exceeds the dollar amount of human life benefitted, then the can consider the initiative impracticle. Americans nationwide are buzzing about the finding.
Yesterday, protesters stormed the front steps of the EPA headquarters in Washington, D.C. to call for the agency to return the value to previous levels, saying the finding was an affront to human dignity.
"It hurts my feelings," Ronald Cathater, a protester from Los Angeles, California, said. "But I'm special. No body can take away the value of my life. What I give to the world cannot be calculated in dollars and cents." Cathater lives with his mother, and spends over $300 a year on pornography.
In addition, immates in high-security prisons across the country are suing for more amenities, stating that their civil rights are being undermined by the low standards of living found at correctional facilities.
Mark Johnson, Esq., an attorney for several inmates at Rikers Island Prison in New York City, called the movement a milestone in American history.
"This is bigger than the Civil War," Johnson, said. "Perhaps, finally, the downtrodden can get the respect they deserve. You hear that, Sandra? You were wrong. I am worth something."
The change in the value of life has weaved itself into every part of society, as organizations across the nation used the drop as rationale for budget cuts. 50 counties removed chocolate milk from local public schools. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg removed the Administration for Children's Services from the city budget for the 2010-to-2011 fiscal year. In Alabama, Reginald Truman pawned his childrens' X-Box, and told them to finally get jobs, "goddammnit."
In Utah, the wife of kidnapped millionaire Paul Jackson has pushed for renegotiations with her husband's kidnappers. Tanya Jackson had leaned toward conceeding to the orginal demand for $10 million. Upon reading of the EPA's recalculation, however, she changed her mind, and called the kidnappers, "thieves" and "terrorists" for their high price.
If there is going to be a transaction, Jackson says, then they should accept her new offer of $6.9 million. "It's what Paul would've wanted. He was always about being frugal. He never spent more on something than what it was worth."
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