Crabs

A market below a LIRR bridge. Fruits, and vegetable exhibited in their shelves on the sidewalk, with human traffic creeping by to the subway station. And flies flies flies resting on the grapes. Fish occupy one-fourth of the building. Just along the wall, fish laid side by side, on ice. And on the end of that row, crabs in boxes. Stacked together like dirt. Twitching, snapping crabs. And the man watching over them picked at them with his gripper to make sure they still twitched. He chucked a dead one in the garbage. He then picked up another one he had doubts about, and the others crabs grabbed it before it was out of their range. The man and the crabs engaged tug-of-war for a good ten seconds until the man won. He tossed the crab upside down onto a cardboard surface. It twitched. Still good to eat. He returned it to the crab box.

Flushing, NY

Flushing, Queens, like the rest of the city, covered in black spots that used to be gum, chewed, chewed, chewed, chewed, chewed, chewed, and spit onto the sidewalk and dried up from pink to black. Flushing comprises about the center, north portion of Queens, pretty close the La Guardia Airport, and often you will see airplanes hovering close, close enough to remind you of terrorist attacks, debris, and buildings collapsing due to structural damage.

It is what the rest of New York purports to be, with its racially diverse area. Hispanics, Asians, and an assortment of brown people from eastern Europe, the Middle East, and the region around India. In a Walgreens, you will see a woman in a head-to-toe black burqa, a slit revealing only her eyes, pushing a cart, children accompanying her. I hold back from constructing jokes.

Men in their cylinder white caps.

Hispanics. The freaking high schoolers playing wiffleball in the middle of a street occupied on both sides by parked cars. Once, a car almost ran over their ball.

(Microsoft Works Word Processor fails to register ‘wiffleball’ or ‘whiffleball’ as real words)

Lots and lots of Asians, recent immigrants, and you will know their territory by the language of the billboards, and storefronts. You will also know by how 99% of the sidewalk is Asian. They own Main Street.

A KKK member’s worst nightmare.

Very few white people. Black people, here and there.

There is one man. Wiry, about my height, age 50ish, yet to become plagued by grey hairs. You will often see him somewhere near the Main Street Station for the 7 train, or down Kissena avenue. He wears sunglasses, even at 10 o’clock in the evening, as he sits in a door step for a pet shop. Walks with a stylish cane, walks in this wiggly strut I find my writing too poor to convey. His fingerless black gloves. Imagine the very best and worst of 80s fashion, with jackets rolled up past the elbow. In red one day, black the next, then white, then violet. He often sits on the bench by the escalators leading out of the subway station.

(In other news, Cold Case is a show with badly written dialogue. “Rabble-rouser!”)

You will know Flushing by the Library, shiny, gray, massive, and half encased by glass. They will not be throwing stones from there any time soon.

You will know Flushing by the appearance of cards in a patriotic blue promoting Peter Koo for state Senate.

You will also know Flushing by the fact that it shares a name with the only action that a toilet does.

By the way, it’s such a shame that toilet businessman Thomas Crapper had to be remembered the way he was.

We haven’t had a president who sported facial hair since Taft.

---

Random status lines.

Alberto Luperon…

…is running for the presidency of your heart.

…is unconstitutional.

…likes polluting your news feed.

…feels like orange juice. As in he would like to drink some.

…feels like steak. As in he feels seasoned, cooked on a stove top, and eaten with a fork and knife.

…is for interracial couplings, because without them, he wouldn’t exist.

…thinks Stephen Colbert is a national treasure.

…just found out Colbert’s middle name is Tyrone.

…thinks Tyrone is just about the best name to give your kid.

…is dangerously self-important.

…is is is is is is is is is is is is…

…is pretty sure 2000 feels like a long time ago.

Skull invasion begins, New Yorkers remain in city

NEW YORK, NY--This morning, shape shifting aliens called skrulls attacked New York City, causing billions in property damage and untold loss of life. As of press time, little is known about the fate of the superheroes engaged in the battle in Midtown Manhattan.

Both Director of SHIELD, Anthony Stark, and his superhero team the Mighty Avengers also remain missing.

Reports indicate that the invasion proper began months ago with the replacement by skrulls of hundreds throughout planet earth, including 10 members of the city council, 3 out of the 5 borough presidents, and city comptroller Bill Thompson.

Yesterday, SHIELD agents revealed city comptroller Bill Thompson as a skrull shortly after witnesses video taped the imposter engaging in an anti-black tirade. The real Thompson is (was?) African-American.

Experts speculate that the replacements hid in plain sight to gather intelligence for the intergalactic Skrull Empire.

Hours after the beginning of the attack, Mayor Michael Bloomberg held an emergency press conference at the stairs of the Thurgood Marshall US Courthouse.

"Today has showcased the resiliency of the good people of New York," the mayor said. "Even in the midst of this ongoing tragedy, our population continues to stand over 8 million, tourists worldwide visit our glorious streets, and the economy continues to grow. People want to go to the Big Apple."

"Indeed, the demand for NYC housing has never been more competitive, with the rest of the nation burned by the bursting at the housing bubble," he added, before a laser beam melted him into a green stain.

"Everyone, follow me!" the real Michael Bloomberg said, carrying a smoking, high-tech rifle the size of a grown man. He was accompanied by the remaining members of the New York State Militia Forces. Bloomberg, the Militia, and volunteers will stage a counter invasion from an undisclosed location.

"They should all leave," Martin Martinez, the Chief Operating Officer of Damage Control, Inc., said.

Damage Control is the government sponsored enterprise that repairs property damage in the wake of acts of superpowered violence, and has repaired New York City property in the wake of dozens of attacks from mutant terrorists, alien species, a deposed Latvarian Prime Minister, the Incredible Hulk, extradimensional forces, demons, runaway science experiments, time bombs, and multiple occurances of the collapse of time and space. As of press time, researchers are still calculating how many times New York City has faced certain destruction.

Martinez expresses surprise that European tourists continue to take advantage of the weak US dollar, and spend their money in the Big Apple. He says he cannot understand why the city remains the tourist hotspot, why people continue to move into the city, and why the flight of the middle class is moving as slowly as it is.

"New York is not worth it," Martinez said. "Even before the Skrulls, they were walking into a deficit of several billions of dollars, overpopulation, a broken transporation system. You can rent a piece of crap hole in Queens for the same price you can rent a decent, two bedroom apartment in Florida."

"What kind of crazy #$&@ wants to stay in Manhattan?" Martinez said shortly before the phone lines died.

"I love this city," Lauren Rose, a Columbia University student and Lieutenant of the Counter Invasion, said. "Where else could you be walking down the street, cup of coffee in hand, and witness such cultural diversity? Such history? I mean, where else can you see a three hundred pound man with unbreakable skin punch an anthropomorphic baboon through a brick wall? No where!"

The Value of Life Plummets $900,000

***Based on a real article. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/07/10/national/main4250299.shtml?source=RSSattr=HOME_4250299#ccmm


By Alberto Luperon, Dissociated Press Writer

July 12, 2008 -- The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) estimates the value of the average American's life to be $6.9 million, a $900,000 drop from 2003 levels.

The statistic results from other statistics, such as what people pay to avoid risks. Like other Government agencies, the EPA uses such a number to determine whether certain initiatives, such as regulations on pollution and thereby saving lives in the long run, are worth supporting with public funds.

If the cost of a initiative exceeds the dollar amount of human life benefitted, then the can consider the initiative impracticle. Americans nationwide are buzzing about the finding.

Yesterday, protesters stormed the front steps of the EPA headquarters in Washington, D.C. to call for the agency to return the value to previous levels, saying the finding was an affront to human dignity.

"It hurts my feelings," Ronald Cathater, a protester from Los Angeles, California, said. "But I'm special. No body can take away the value of my life. What I give to the world cannot be calculated in dollars and cents." Cathater lives with his mother, and spends over $300 a year on pornography.

In addition, immates in high-security prisons across the country are suing for more amenities, stating that their civil rights are being undermined by the low standards of living found at correctional facilities.

Mark Johnson, Esq., an attorney for several inmates at Rikers Island Prison in New York City, called the movement a milestone in American history.

"This is bigger than the Civil War," Johnson, said. "Perhaps, finally, the downtrodden can get the respect they deserve. You hear that, Sandra? You were wrong. I am worth something."

The change in the value of life has weaved itself into every part of society, as organizations across the nation used the drop as rationale for budget cuts. 50 counties removed chocolate milk from local public schools. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg removed the Administration for Children's Services from the city budget for the 2010-to-2011 fiscal year. In Alabama, Reginald Truman pawned his childrens' X-Box, and told them to finally get jobs, "goddammnit."

In Utah, the wife of kidnapped millionaire Paul Jackson has pushed for renegotiations with her husband's kidnappers. Tanya Jackson had leaned toward conceeding to the orginal demand for $10 million. Upon reading of the EPA's recalculation, however, she changed her mind, and called the kidnappers, "thieves" and "terrorists" for their high price.

If there is going to be a transaction, Jackson says, then they should accept her new offer of $6.9 million. "It's what Paul would've wanted. He was always about being frugal. He never spent more on something than what it was worth."

On Spitzer (aka Client 9)

People are fueled by passion and guided by logic. And sometimes a match ignites the fuel and obliterates the logic.

Governor Spitzer put his marriage and career in danger. For sex. Apparently, he's purchased the company of ladies several times. It makes little since that he would do this, since he has been a top figure in NYS politics for about a decade, but, well, he did. So why?

He might be a sex freak. Now, it seems that this is a weak argument. It makes little sense for a man in his position, no matter how horny he is, to risk things on illicit sex.

There is no logic involved. An experienced politician who graduated from Harvard Law-- my dream school <3 --with a reputation from cracking down on corruption. Seems to be a man guided by logic and wisdom.

However, the most important experience a person can have is in dealing with their passions. Gov. Spitzer seems to be a very smart man, but possibly has little experience in dealing with his secret passions, or at least having to deal with his in such a way that he has to deny himself certain activities. He allowed his passion guide his logic. That was his choice, I must clarify. No "heat of the passion" argument. He decided to dwell on those passions and chose to put gratification ahead of duty--that's my speculative argument. And that's how people work, and Gov. Spitzer is a human being. Quite simply human, and he had to learn a human lesson at the worst possible time.

So, oh well. He's screwed. Time to move on. Even if he wants to still be Gov, he should resign, because he will be dealing with too much drama to do his job as well as he could. Let's see how Paterson does.

PS. By the way, his short speech in response to every is full of BS. It was cute, and written in with an eye toward his duty as public servant, but his actions say that his duty is not always going to be the first thing on his mind.