Secretary of the Interior resigns over ‘Flag-gate’

May 5, 2020

WASHINGTON, DC--The Secretary of the Interior resigned following a catastrophic exhibition in which he burned an American flag to ashes.

The exhibition was designed to showcase fire-proof fabric manufactured by Dow Jong Industries. Several weeks ago, Dow Jong had received a contract to produce flags used by the federal government.

Observers assumed that the flags would be comprised of the fire-proof fabric that has earned the Chinese company billions in the international market. Laboratory tests show that the flag burned by the Secretary was 100% cotton.

In aftermath of the flag burning, a press release from Dow Jong said, “The use of our Fire-Fighter Fabric was not included in the contract…This is not our fault.” The contract specifies that flags made for the US government will be made of cotton, and the use of any other material will render the contract void.

Federal authorities are looking into the legal mishap.

In a signed statement, the former-Secretary lamented his decision to burn the American flag in front of a crowd of reporters. “My intention was to show the world of America’s ability to handle any situation…I am sorry, and regret any shame brought upon my family.”

Video of the flag burning incident is the most-viewed selection this week on YouTube.

The President held a press conference to declare that the flag contract will be cancelled, pending further negotiations.

“This just shows the dangers of outsourcing to a hostile power, and the harm it can do,” The President said. A week ago, he had been the biggest supporter of the contract.

The President declined to comment on a replacement for the departing Secretary. A White House employee who spoke under the condition of anonymity said that a front-runner for the position was the governor of California, Jessica Marie Alba.

Chinese corporation receives no-bid contract to produce US flag

April 21, 2020

SHANGHAI, China--Dow Jong Industies has received a no-bid contract from the federal government to manufacture flags used at government facilities and events. The five-year contract will begin October 1.

Dow-Jong, a state-owned conglomerate located in Guangdong, China, is best known for producing action figures, kitchen knives, and fire-proof fabric.

The Secretary of the Interior praised the move, saying that it would save tax payers millions, and ease pressure from the $50 trillion debt. He promises to soon exhibit the resiliency of the new flags by exposing one to a flamethrower.