Resolved: The 21st Century Will Be Characterized by Unendurable Boredom

Written September 2007

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Philolexian Society.
Imagine that Santa Claus has crash-landed in the middle of Morningside Park. Blixem cracked two ribs, Rudolph’s broken his nose, Donner’s dead, and Prancer has forever lost the use of his rear legs. Santa’s in trouble, and he needs your help to save Christmas.

Faced with this scenario, you should do one of two things—either help them, or steal Santa’s bag of presents. The latter action should teach him about landing in Morningside Park.

In either case, congratulate yourself—you have fought against boredom. To fight boredom, you must adhere to the spirit of adventure, and the spirit of adventure calls on you to act. It calls on you to stand up, and do whatever it is you prefer to do with your life.

Those in favor of tonight’s resolution may think that past centuries were better than this one. You know, all the major discoveries have been made, and the major challenges have already been completed. The New World, penicillin, Civil Liberties; we landed on the moon. After all this being done, it seems that there is nothing else to discover, no more adventures to be had. It may seem to some that in order to function in any state near contentment, they have got to spend copious amounts of time doing drugs, drinking alcohol, watching TV. Copious, absurd amounts of time spent on distracting on them from their boring lives.

But you know why theirs live are boring? Because they’re not doing anything fun. Because they’ve not having adventures. Therefore, Tonight, I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to having adventures.

The 21st century will be characterized by a surplus of awesome because I live in it.
And you know what?—I have no idea what I’ll be doing after Philo, or tomorrow morning, for that matter. I may just sit in a chair, and read, but I will still emanate fun like an atomic bomb emanates radiation. Millions will die from exposure.

So, if you ever see me holding a big, red, magic bag, and passing out presents to people, you will know what this century has been all about.

Thank you.