An obsequious address

Written September 2007

Moderator! What is up!

Did you all watch the news yesterday? Listen—this guy beat up a gorilla at the Bronx Zoo.
See, these little kids fell into a gorilla pit, and the gorilla ran at them because they invaded his space. He bared his fangs, and beat his chest. About to smear those little kids.

And then the moderator dove in, and stood between the children, and the gorilla’s punches. The gorilla punched the moderator in the jaw, the shoulder, the gut, and the ribs. Of course, the punches didn’t affect the moderator, except for the punch to the gut, which tickled him.

The moderator carried the children out of the pit. They ran to their mother, and started crying tears of joy, and said, "the moderator saved us, mommy."

Everyone thought the incident had finished, except for the gorilla. He climbed out the pit, and grabbed the moderator’s shoulder, and spoke. The gorilla spoke. He said, "I’m not finished with you."

Then the moderator punched the gorilla in the mouth, and back into the pit. He clobbered that gorilla a thousand times over until the gorilla fell back onto a boulder.

Then the moderator took a banana, unpeeled it, and began to eat it. He waved it in front of the gorilla. He said, "I bet you want to eat this, huh, you stupid monkey. C’mon, you stupid monkey, grab the banana." And the gorilla tried to grab the banana, but the moderator pulled the banana away.

After finishing the banana, the moderator threw the banana peel on the ground. And then gorilla gathered enough strength to stand and run at the moderator once more, but he slipped on the banana peel.

Thank you, moderator. Thank you for showing monkeys everywhere they are inferior to humans.

May I approach yon podilecturn?