Bush Auctions Louisiana

WASHINGTON--Congress has passed a joint resolution that allows President Bush to auction the state of Louisiana. Proceeds will be used to reduce the federal government's $9.5 trillion debt.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal criticized the sale in a radio interview. "#$%@ Bush!" he said.

"Bidding will begin at $1 million," Bush said during the White House Rose Garden signing ceremony. The number symbolizes the original price of the so-called Louisiana Purchase, encompassing 15 current states.

Then-president Thomas Jefferson brought the land from Napoleon Bonaparte in 1803. Critics had disparged the move as an excessive use of executive power.

Bush called the auction a return to small government principles, and a sign of bipartisan cooperation on Capitol Hill. He hopes that the proceeds will signal to the rest of the world that the United States is committed to positive international relations.

He outlined his contingency plan to move current residents of Louisiana to neighboring states, in the event that the highest bidder enforces strict regulations on "aliens-to-be." Refugees would relocate to FEMA trailers.

Experts predict that follow-up auctions will occur, featuring such states as Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Mississippi. Bush dismissed speculation.

"As of this moment in time, considering this unpresidented act, and the benefit this will have on families, we cannot say that we will not not rule out

another sale, depending on the result," he said. "You get me? We will definitely not not consider another auction. And that's the truth."

Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain praised the move, saying that the most pressing issue in America today is the economy.

He said that the residents of Louisiana could soon witness a transformation similar to the economic renassiance in Dubai, a popular vacation spot for millionaires, and location of a number of high-priced man-made islands. Much of Lousiana experienced extensive property damage in the 2005 hurricane season, and many remain homeless.

Sen. Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, also supported the auction. At a rally in Hanover, New Hampshire, Obama mused that auction proceeds could be used to support failing corporations. "What happened to Bear Stearns is unacceptable. We need to save our multibillion dollar corporations," he said.

Obama stopped mid-speech, and looked at his hands for several moments. "What have I become?" the Illinois senator said.

The audience roared its approval. Even men bared their breasts.

Representatives from the United Arab Emirates, France, China, Mexico, Iraq, and 20 other nations plan to attend the auction, to be held August 1st, at the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans.

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But, seriously, the debt is really #$%@!