Sexual Perversion at Columbia University

(Written around early March, 2007)

A November 2006 article for the New York Daily News said that Columbia University is a cesspool of S&M, sex in the Library, and naked parties. Said one student, “You go to dinner and then have sex.” Ladies and gentlemen, I am appalled at this university, at the students, at you, for not inviting me to these functions. Not that I’d do that shit. But be a little polite. Be considerate.

“Hey, want to participate in an orgy?” you say.

“Sorry, ****, but I can’t. Too much homework.”

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Okay--the preceding text was my attempt to be funny (except the Daily News did write such an article). But, really, tell me how “hooking up” works. I’m lost on the subject. How do you go to dinner and then have sex?

The best advice I’ve heard—solid advice—is to be friendly, polite, and straightforward. Reasonably aggressive. Unfortunately, some men take this too far. Some go up to a woman and simply ask for sex. That’s weird. It’s bad to be the fifty-year-old standing on Broadway checking out college girls. It’s bad to be the drunken guy hitting on all the ladies at parties. It’s bad to be the class rapist.

I feel awful for women who have to put up with creeps. Butt-grabbing, staring, rapist creeps. I hear these stories—the non-so-serious and the serious—and I get a lukewarm tennis ball in my gut. These incidences are an invasion of a person’s property. If you were to grab a stranger’s ass without permission, you’re showing this person that you have no respect for them, that you think of that person as a means of getting off; their life, to you, is insignificant. It’s even worse when you’ve got stalker-type love. Stalker-type love exceeds lust in intensity, and can involve various types of stalking…such as internet stalking. O_o’

But it’s more complicated than men being perverts or possessive. Understand. In my old high school, I once saw this guy toss a girl cheek-first into a brick wall as if he were trying to put her in the hospital. Her whole body was flat against the brick wall, and she was laughing the whole time. This was flirting to those people. He was wooing her. (I repeat: he chucked her like a bag of sand.)

And, during other school days, other guys said things like, “Come here before I hit you!” or “Let me put my dick right here.” And this worked for them. Some girls were okay with that kind of stuff.

“But,” you may ask. “How can you stand here and scrutinize how other people—especially other men—go on with themselves sexually? You probably have the same thoughts. Haven’t you acted creepy?”

That’s not even a question. I’m 19 and male. Of course I want to fuck somebody, and of course I’ve acted creepy.

You may wonder how those incidences ended up. Well, dear reader, it’s none of your business. Because it’s not.

Still, I must say: I’ve never put my hands on someone without her and me already having that kind of understanding between us (no serious attachment necessary).

Anyway, imagine the conversations we’re supposed to have at naked parties.